midnight insecurities and maybe new beginnings

lately i've been up a lot later at night than i'd like 2 admit. going 2 bed at 6 am is commonplace for me, and in those hours where day fades 2 night and night fades back 2 day i can't help but look at my body in discontent.

dont get me wrong, i know i should love my body for what it is and what it can do for me. i really do sometimes! but other times i feel like it can't do enough. what would happen if every night i did pushups until i failed? can i even do a pushup right now? what if when i move into my own place with my own space i set up my treadmill and just start walking 2 finally build some stamina?

i dont wanna be paper thin. i dont wanna be some pretty girl who everybody looks at and envies my tiny waist and thhin shoulders and thigh gap. i wanna be strong enough to support my darling if their health keeps declining. i want to be able 2 pick them up with ease and i want 2 be able 2 carry them somewhere 2 rest. i want 2 support them.

maybe this is the motivation i need. maybe if my body could at least do what i want it 2 i would love it no matter what it looks like. 

i dont know. maybe later tonight before i go to bed i'll close the blinds 2 hide that i might not even be able to do one pushup. if i do attempt it, expect a blog post about it. right now i'm eating some fruit since i think subconsciously i've been wanting 2 finally change for a while and i've heard you're supposed 2 eat carbs right before you excercise. 

-dream, who's sick of being this way