ramblings

When I woke up, I asked myself, "What am I here for?" For friendship, for learning, for personal growth? Meaning of life? To have a good time? To evolve or shrink?

The shame leaked into my dreams. That's when the real torture happens.

When does one feel "true" love? As in, the emotion of loving someone. I can't even describe it. I don't think I've ever felt "love". Sure, I've been in romantic relationships, but reflecting back I felt emotions that I now see as not "love" but a primal need for someone to be with me, near me. I didn't understand it then and I still don't now. I need time to think.

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I feel plastic whenever I fill out job applications. I need to put on this professional persona and research what other normal human beings do on their spare time. It's asking me for my hobbies now. Hiking was suggested.

I am foolish to think change happens overnight. I keep daydreaming how I'll be better next year, how the next age over I'll be healed and a different, healthier person - but dismiss how much work I'll need to put into it. As in, I ignore the hard path towards a better life and just fantasize about it. Not even lifting a finger to keep up with healthy habits, breaking unhealthy relationships to items / people, getting better routines.

it's pitiful. Absolutely makes me want to strangle myself to death.

The cycle will continue if I don't do something about it. And everyday is the same, toxic routine of hedonism and gluttony. And the worst part - I get nowhere bitching about it. I am on a path of misery.

My browser history is depressing. It's not something comedic or embarrassing. It's just sad.

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The unknown terrifies me. The winter is barren. All life has burrowed underground and I stand alone on top. I can't see my hands the winds are so strong. It's going to be fine, right?

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I am no longer embarrassed about falling asleep in public. If I am very tired, and if the situation allows it, I will take a nap. 

Did I mention I despise making DIY crafts? I'm not a crafts person by all means, I admire the work and what goes into it, but I will fight tooth and claw out of doing any type of craving or gluing.

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Crying for attention is to why a baby cries. Babies don't have the knowledge of words and definitions, so their natural instinct is to wail, either for food or comfort. As the adult human cries for attention in bizarre and dangerous methods.

Both don't have the words to express their emotions, but to scream.