there is peace within death
i hope death is peaceful.
i hope death is holding hands with a girl whose face i cant recall
and her hands would be warm,
and we’d be warm
we’d be at peace;
allowed to splash and jump in however we wanted
we would never have to leave and return to a mundane life
a life filled with tears and mean voices
my girlhood was a gross, unsettling affair
my girlhood was filled with long drives and eating dry cereal in the car on the way to school.
my girlhood had a lot of lizards.
“babydoll, put the poor lizard down”
my mama didnt like when i brought the lizards i caught to her.
my girlhood was captured by a polaroid camera, only one picture survived said girlhood.
it’s an over-exposed picture of my cousins.
you can barely make out their faces but its treasured all the same
my girlhood was dirty.
my girlhood was spent arguing with my mother over stupid things, brushing my hair, getting up in the morning, or what music we would listen to in the car.
we always listened to her old country music.
my girlhood was spent on the floor on my decaying house playing my 3DS while my mama made dinner,
my girlhood was packing everything up and leaving every two years
my girlhood was filled with nights where i couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t leave me alone.
my girlhood was upsetting.
changing is strange.
who would i have been if i hadnt changed?
who would i be if it hadnt happened?
where would i live?
what would my name be?
would we have worked out?
would you still love me?
would you still run with me to the bathroom where we hid in the back stealing kisses from nervous mouths?
would we have made it?
what would have we become?
mother of god,
will you pray for me?
will you pray for me the way you prayed for your son on the cross?
lady of sorrows,
will you comfort me?
will you comfort me the way you comforted your son of the cross?
how different am i from your baby boy?
pray for me now and in the hour of my death
two birds of a feather
i think ill love you forever.
but not in a way where i want to marry you,
in a way where i don’t know where id be with out you.
remember when we ran through that thunderstorm trying not to break the delicate lizard skeletons?
remember when we told each other about our favorite creepypastas on your bedroom floor?
remember when you would let me sleep in your lap during breaks because you knew i wasn’t doing well?
well i do.
i dont think ill ever be able to forget you.
you built and broke me.
you are my creator and destroyer.
i still cry looking at your posts,
im jealous of the people you hang out with.
it wasnt my fault it didnt work out and it wasnt yours
we were just pre-teen girls desperately trying not to drown in our problems.
ill still love you after everything happened,
and youll still forget me.
like mother like daughter
my mother is very dear to me,
i like to think im dear to her
but sometimes it feels like she despises me.
we’re too similar is what her mom says,
she sees too much of herself in me.
recently someone called me instead of my mom,
they had a full conversation with me before realizing they hadn’t called her
“you sound just like your mother”
my mother is worried ill follow her footsteps,
my mother isn’t unhappy in her life, per se
she has her regrets of course
hopefully i am not one of them.
my mother and i didnt talk a lot when i was young
life was busy,
life was hard
i dont hold it against her,
but sometimes i worry if it ruined us.
but my mother loves me
and i love my mother.
i am a disgusting mirage of a girl,
all teeth and sharp edges.
i will tear you limb from limb and Devour them while i beg for you to love me
i will need you so deeply it will ruin us both,
i will need you even after you are nothing but bones stuck in my teeth.
i am a rapid animal best kept outside.
i will ruin your carpets and white sheets,
i will bloody your couch as i lick my wounds.
i will tear your world apart just to messily glue it back together like a small child,
i will color your walls scarlet as i consume all you have to offer of yourself.
i am a hungry hound you should i left to rot on that road.
in seventh grade science class we had to dissect a frog,
i couldn’t stomach it.
i didnt want to hurt the creature
realistically i knew they couldnt feel it but the idea of cutting them open and looking at their organs
just so we could through them away felt distasteful.
the other girls in my class comforted me,
worked me through panic attacks
they were nervous too.
the boys in our class were unfazed,
one threw an eyeball at me.
another had to break my frogs jaw;
he did it without another thought.
it was an unsettling realization that they simply didnt care.
they tore the frogs’ body apart.
you couldnt even recognize what kinda of creature it was anymore.
i know it was just a frog,
but it still bothers me now.
what other creatures would they be able to break and ruin so carelessly?
were they capable of doing that to a person?
why did they hurt the frog that way?
why did they enjoy showing me the mutilated corpses?
what did they get out of seeing me hyperventilate?
where girlhood left me
girlhood left me a hollow shell,
a hollow shell with glassy eyes and still lips.
girlhood left me a sad person,
a sad person with too many problems to count.
girlhood left me with memories id rather leave forgotten,
memories of us running to hide in bathrooms so we could conceal our laughs behind gentle kisses.
girlhood left me with anger,
anger at those around us for hating us for simply living.
girlhood left me wondering if those giddy kisses meant as much to you as they meant to me.
were my lips a substitute for something you would never be allowed?
girlhood left me.