stuff that i feel as a lesbian

hi! my name is ángeles an i'm a 16 yr old nonbinary lesbian. i'm making this blog because i'm going to write some things that i would like to read as a lesbian.

first topic that i would like to take about is my relationship with men.

i always had a good relationship with the men around me, i love my father and i had male friends growing up, but, since i was a little kid i "forced" myself to like men. when i was in kindergarten i always tried to be around a kid. he was cute, but i actually never liked him lol, we  were not that close also. in school, when i was like 8 or something, same thing happened with another kid. now, i can see that i never liked none of these kids! i wanted to be like the other girls, that fell in love with boys and that.

months ago, i started talking with some guy on instagram. i thought he was cute, and i wanted his attention. i planned posting more pics of me but in a more "sexy" way. thankfully i didn't do it! but i still wanted his attention. when he gave it to me, when he flirted with me, i escaped. i felt nasty, i didn't like it, and i didn't talk to him anymore.

first love with a girl

when i was 11 i had my first girlfriend. obviously i we were just kids and didn't know about relationships at all, but we had fun together. one day she came to my house and we kissed. i felt the cliche butterflies and my heart was beating so fast. none of that things happened to my with any men.

other people questioning me

sometimes, when i see a cute guy, like an actor or a singer, and i'm with my friends, i say weird stuff like "omg hes so hot i'm going to fuck him". i obviously won't do that, not only because he's older and famous, but because i would even like it. one time i said that with an actor, and some friends said like "haha, says the lesbian", or something like that. i felt bad. i don't like my "lesbianism" to be questioned. i would fuck any men, i was just exaggerating for fun.

when a man likes a gay celeb, like idk, lady gaga or anybody, and says he loves her nobody cares, but when a lesbian does that the other way around, it's questioned.

we live in a world were everything is "men centered". if a guy is gay, men would say he's a f**, and make fun of him because he likes men, but they know he likes men, they just think that's bad. but when a girl is a lesbian, she's not sure, and she doesn't know anything because she never tried dick. men think she actually likes men, they don't see her as a lesbian.

accepting myself

accepting myself was really hard. there was a time that i knew i was a lesbian, but it felt like a sentence. here's something that i wrote when i was feeling that way: 

"I'm a lesbian and I hate myself for that. I don't want to stop being a lesbian, I want to stop hating myself, but, how????"

at this time, i partially accepted being a lesbian because i knew i was a lesbian, but i hated it. now i don't hate it anymore, i think the things that help me were time and looking at cute girls and learning to enjoy the way i see them. i still struggle tbh, sometimes i feel ashamed when i say i'm a lesbian, but it's not impossible to accept one's identity! hard doesn't mean impossible.

i think these stuff could happen to other lesbians and that they would feel understood. lesbians, if you think you like a men actor, character, singer, influencer, or any men that implies an impossible relationship, you're still a lesbian, don't listen to the people that question you. they don't know how it feels to be a lesbian.

if you're looking about more info like this, you cold read the Am I a Lesbian? masterdoc. it was really helpful for me long time ago.

struggling is normal, keep that in mind. accepting yourself is algo hard. you're strong and you can do it, hugs!