maybe i’ll invest in another pen and pencil

For about 2-3 years, I’ve kept the same pencil (and type of pen, but i’ve been through a couple of those) for a number of reasons. 

1. the fucking thing was $20. 
2. TWENTY. DOLLARS. 
3. i’m just trying to prove to myself that i can care 
4. little things matter too much to me. 
5. i am SO (unintentionally) reckless with literally everything else in my life and sometimes i make horrible decisions but at least i can tell u where my $20 pencil is. 

and that means there’s at least a shred of “worthiness” in my body. because i still have it. i kept it and now it’s just there. and im more of a pen girl now, which twists the knife a bit because i lost it- my pen is lost and although i’ve been through a couple of em, this still hurts. WAY MORE THAN IT SHOULD BTW. can’t use my pen, can’t journal. what a horrific day. if i had two pens and two pencils, id be all good.