19/09/23

                      ☆tuesday, sep 19, 2023☆                          

tw/cw: depression, overall ranting and negative talk, scars

okay, fuck everything actually. i hate having depression it makes me unable to do anything right, logical thinking? don't have that. process of information? slow as a snail. capacibility to love? none  i spent time with the goth girl (let's call her amy) and i just, felt so guilty when i left, like if i was a stray puppy lost in the middle of the rain , and i hate how my mind is going crazy over her but my body just does not respond !!!!!!!! i'm unable to feel the sparkle, the void continues that and i don't have that happy, satisfied feeling. never enough, nothing is ever enough, i can't do anything right, not even love, i'm physically and chemically unable to love

amy saw my scars, i was sweating i had to take off my hoodie . her friends saw it too, i felt so vulnerable, but i was vulnerable for her  she also said she has scars and has stopped, she seemed worried and asked if i've stopped, i said yes and then i pretend i had to go, i couldn't be at that situation anymore

she hugged me, she hugs me so well, feeling her arms around my waist, but feeling numb, like i was ment to feel something right? but i didn't, everything is so wrong, everything feels like a bad choice. she seemed really worried and with a look of someone who is not brave enough to say the words. fuck i hate this. i'm always left with a feeling of being that abandoned puppy lost in the rain. my head & heart have a crush on her but i just can't feel anything, my body feels like a prison, i can't feel, i must be broken, unable to love.

 i people pleased, my classmates are homophobic (i was reading a wlw book in class) and that one boy keeps staring and harassing me. i'm so scared, everything is so new and uncertain and it feels like i'm stepping into the void

it really does feel like i'm drowning