nostalgic sick

my timehop streak is 1916 days, a little over 5 years. i have always been keen of my borderline obsession with nostalgia. they used to consider it a mental illness and frankly, with the vigor i feel nostalgia (a heavy pang, a drowning sob, a hazy photo i cant make out) they should still consider it such in special cases. my timehop account is actually 9 years old so i didnt fully use it for 4 years but downloading an app quite literally destined to make you spiral at 11 years old is funny to me. What memories was i afraid i was going to lose? the haunting, impending sense of my own doom forced me catalogue and categorize all my feelings and interactions. an archive of screenshots full of conversations i wanted to bookmark stays in my photo gallery. i pay for extra storage because of this.

i hate my past, so im confused. you couldnt give me enough money in the world to have to relive sophomore year of high school, and yet, when i look at photos of me on stage i cant help but feel some sort of longing. there are things you can do in high school and never again. the root of my nostalgia is probably a need for closure, or even revenge. everything ive done wrong, could have done better, what i wish i basked in. memories flash through me bolts of lightning, blinding me for a bit.

summer has always been the worst season for nostalgia, and i havent been able to figure out why. there is something haunting about summer. it seems as if all the ghosts from your past come out the most during august. july nights are spent with my sheets clad to my clammy skin, mindlessly scrolling through images trying to pinpoint all the emotions i used to feel but feel as if i have lost access to. love still courses through my veins, but i doubt its the same burning love i used to feel towards my best friends when i was 16. being 16 just changes you, its a horrible age to be. i feel sorry for all the 16 year olds out there.