namez (totally not just an excuse to not do my hw)

soooooo namez.. as a trans guy this is like the one thing i've always struggled with. when i first came out it was ruben, but that quickly changed 2 ethan (which is still what i use). i've been questioning that name recently but what makes it really hard is that no1 calls me by my chosen name, only nicknames. half the ppl i know don't even know my chosen name bc they js hear every1 else call me koi or cas or cassie. for reference my full chosen name is ethan(?) castiel [lastnames] which is why ppl like my bsfs call me cas or cassie- then for koi it's just the nickname i've been called since 6th so literally every1 knows me by that. the funny part to all this is that p much every1 on drumline doesn't even know my deadname (let alone my chosen name) and they all just know me by koi xD tho ig i'd rather them just call me koi than know my dn now that i think abt it.. anyways i had chosen ethan bcuz i rlly liked the name and named myself after cgp (just remembered he doesn't go by that anymore so just ethan nestor) and i love the name but it doesn't really fit me anymore.. there's a running joke where when one of my friends is mad or frustrated they call me ethaniel castiel but that's p much the closest personal conenction i have to it.. more recently the name damien has been rlly appealing but i have no way of really knowing if it's mine or not. for reference, the main reason i wanna name myself damien is bcuz i think it kinda suits me and it would be a markiplier reference!! but i also kinda feel like a poser for choosing names that are taken from other ppl.. but it's even harder to come up with a name that's original and that i like :((( my currently list (that i've gone thru & removed & added names since like 2021) of names are p basic tbh but i like em!!! i'll probably make a separate blog rn for u guys to like help out? maybe? srry if this whole thing was hard 2 read or smth but i rlly js wanted to get this off my chest :P namez suck as a trans guy tbh