growing up

friday, sept 15, 2023

i can't help but feel terribly old sometimes, like i've kinda just been existing since i turned thirteen.

and i guess it's true? i mean, i'm still alive, but the truth is, i don't like the feeling of growing up at all :(

some things are overwhelming at times, and i feel afraid for my future. i still don't have a clear clue what i want to do for my career, where i want to go to school, or whether or not i even want to go!

everyone says that i still have time, but i just feel so pressured to have to know, especially when i have kids around me who seem to know exactly what they want to do after high school. 

this summer, i participated in a science internship for highschoolers at a university and i remember crying on the ride home after the first day because i didn't feel smart enough to be there. 

this was only the orientation to the program. 

however, i felt so scattered compared to everyone else. some kids were staying on campus apartments all on their own during the summer! i hate to be without my parents for five minutes! most of the students had an idea of their dream school, what they wanted to do, and they were all taking these advanced classes in their senior year of high school.

and i felt so out of place sitting with them, so embarrassed.

however, things got a lot better as i began to work in a real lab. by then, i was around actual college students, working with them daily from around 10 a.m to 5 p.m. it was hard work, but i made it through a six-week summer program and won an amazing award, as well as a great sum of money!

to this day, i'm still very proud of myself for doing that internship. i doubt younger me would've been able to believe i would grow up to do that ever. i was able to learn so many new things, and i'm so thankful for the experience.

after reading through this, i have no real idea why i wrote all of this out.. i just felt the need to post something. this is my pink diary anyways!

if you read through all of this, tysm and ilysm <33