hormonal nonsense don't listen to me

there's no favicons because i'm like...deadass just infodumping

The last time i saw my boyfriend was after my graduation in May. I didn't kiss him, it was raining outside. All I could do was hug him and rub his hand for comfort. We drove him to his mom and after that he hesitantly left. Hesitantly because I was keeping him TRAPPED in there. Locking arms with him so he wouldn't leave and asking my parents over and over again if I could keep him. I've of course been keeping contact with him and trying to arrange times when we could see each other, but due to neither of us being able to drive...they always just fall through. And of course due to life.

I don't know...I just really miss him. I don't get the chance to call him much anymore due to classes and my roommate just never leaving the room...not even to eat...

We text sometimes, but it's just me infodumping or complaining about life and never giving him any attention. Mainly because he's high most of the time if I'm being real [skull emoji..my emojis aren't working rn...]. Lately I have been including him and asking him about his day but I feel like I still don't give him any attention. Just like how it started to become on calls. I would just talk and not listen to anything he had to say.

I am getting better though. Really. Like actually. Trust me.

I just wish I kissed him that day. It would've probably held me until the next time I saw him.

He told me that when he learns how to drive, he'll be going to another aunt's place. Which makes me really sad because we've only seen each other ONCE since 8th grade. ONCE. 

I am committed to this man in a way that makes every single person I explain our relationship to think I'm being abused. (everyone calls my bf a dick and says I need to break up with him but idc)

I'm supposed to be getting MARRIED to this man. After I graduate from college...the rest of my life WITH HIM begins. It sounds absolutely terrifying because it feels like just a month ago, I was meeting him for the first time. And now we're picking out houses and saying the number of kids we'd have. 

I don't know...

At the end of the day, this is just hormonal PMDD/PMS nonsense and just me infodumping because all of my "sources" have ignored me or can't contact me. (I might blog later about that. Today I went to a suicide prevention event with the people from my dorm floor and they ignored me the WHOLE time and didn't pay me ANY mind until the VERY END...but that's a blog for tomorrow <3)

Ok good night! (Assuming I'm not going to eat out of boredom.... )