Detached

It is once again time for me to grapple with the enduring, shadowy misery that envelops my mind, body, and soul. I find myself endlessly replaying every interaction with others, questioning why I am repeatedly subjected to lies, manipulation, hurt, and betrayal, despite never treating anyone this way. Perhaps it's the result of forces beyond my control, steering me toward negative or broken individuals. The sense of isolation and detachment is profound, whether I attempt to fit in, socialize, or belong. I am acutely aware of my uniqueness, unable to resist the urge to distance myself and ponder why I even make an effort.

Why should I bother, when each relationship mirrors the same pattern? It seems like I attract individuals lurking in the shadows, eager to torment my benevolent soul for no apparent reason other than their own internal turmoil. It's perplexing that people fail to recognize the positive qualities and trustworthiness I possess, expecting that I should only be treated kindly. Sadly, this is not the case.

I wish I could convey to you, my hypothetical reader, the indescribable feeling of perpetual depression that accompanies me, as I incessantly replay and analyze every interaction in my head. It's the sensation I experience when attempting to socialize or fit into social gatherings—a profound disconnect, a realization that I am fundamentally different and will never truly assimilate.

Curiously, it appears quite evident to others when you communicate, act, and think differently from the norm. Your aura, so to speak, stands out in a way that unsettles them; people tend to dislike anything beautiful and unfamiliar that they cannot comprehend. Consequently, they seek to dismantle it. Perhaps that's why humans often treat me poorly, despite my trustworthiness and integrity. Recently even, thanks to a friend who created an AI that can determine emotion based off of voice, I've figured out I also have quite an abnormal base range of emotions when I talk, maybe that's also something humans can subconsciously pick up on as well. It would appear the most common highest percentile emotion to have while speaking is happiness, whilst mine is fear.

I've lost sight of what could genuinely bring me happiness—employment, finding love, or fitting into a social group. Will any of these ever alleviate the enduring anguish I've carried with me for as long as I can remember? I often ponder my reason for existence, struggling to find an answer. What's most frustrating is observing that those who mistreat others often thrive and are accepted by society, surrounded by friends who remain oblivious or willfully ignorant of their true character.

Is it acceptable that our world operates in this manner? It's disheartening; one could argue that humans inherently deceive one another, engaging in a collective charade to make life bearable. Who truly desires to unearth the harsh truths about everyone, rendering genuine interaction impossible? These superficial exchanges we engage in are but facades, devoid of substance.

I may continue to feel this way, forever isolated. I once accepted this fact with ease, but now I find myself rediscovering this harsh reality. It's a peculiar sensation to realize that no one in my life has ever genuinely cared or loved me; if they had, these hurtful experiences would never have occurred. Understanding that this is my life, unchanging and unchangeable, is the most agonizing part. I am numb in this unending despair.
                                
                               
                            

                           If you so wish to test it on your voice here is the URL.

                                        https://www.hentaiaanhuis.com/