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Category: Life

The looming weekend, the nothingness

Again at the hackerspace. Ongoing week feels like long now again. My mind defaulting to a spectre of old times' guilttripping over not spending time with my flatmate quasigf. Almost considering getting back on the move, but I know that I have noted previously that I'm about to miss out if I do and contrary to the momentary impression I guess it is still helpful that I'm there.

I am still socially somewhat distant, not really outgoing to anyone who isn't going to approach me themselves. Wishing I wouldn't fail to grab myself caffeinated beverages, wishing I would have methylphenidate available in an everyday quantity; it feels like with stimulants I could be doing productive stuff, make my time have value, but I fail to provide myself and I thus don't.

Depressed, and feeling like unfit for stuff, and the things I previously wanted to have a tight schedule of now I am lightly postponing and not even because of colliding plan of staying around there but because of just being tired and not feeling like getting on the move and active and intensely enjoying others.

At least I painted my nails real quick and that looks good enough. At least I have been productive enough at work. At least I have been managing to catch up and do some work progress throughout evenings and midnights. At least I have been blogging every night now. At least I'm not sitting entirely actionless most of the time.

And here this is where I decided to not proceed with the blog post on Wednesday, and on Thursday I just succumbed to having no life, only work, with some nothingness of course. All of a sudden I am at the end of the working week, sleeping more while not feeling like it, and also my not-ex is sleeping now so it feels like weekend might be about behind behind her in terms of sleep even more so.

Will I be doing anything during the weekend? When will I be returning home? The weekend after this one I have made myself a Monday-extended one, will I be in Berlin? I keep wondering if this week is actually bound to be socially active or if it will end up just another weekend of depression and no accomplishment.

My lack of contact with anyone keeps aggravating, I wish that could have a chance of reaching a peak when I suddenly start accomplishing hobby things out of solitude. So far in the area of food I went from instant noodles to making myself simple carbonara and putting pre-made fries in the oven, so things are getting better?

Maybe just, the weekend bringing more interactions with my not-ex who I am still with here even though work and her preoccupation may have made me forget that for a moment; maybe it will be more, I just have no idea, I have no sense of what can be not on workdays, and I am so very used to weekends passing uneventful.

An hour later

Oh so it suddenly turns out the weekend isn't going to be that filled as she has lot's of work she is set out to commit to throughout the whole weekend. This evening will have the pack of friends meet up but after that? I feel like the only rational option is to flee after today.

I guess I will be packing today, and announce to her I'm going sometime morning during the meet. Will choose to pack a bit less into that suitcase of mine than I planned since I guess I am to return here in under 2-3 weeks from now again, but I guess that long still means I should prepare stuff to be sent as a parcel to me if I don't want them to all stay here for that long.

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