Show off

Show off.

That’s what they call me. They like it though, the way I dress, wear my hair and my makeup. I may not talk a lot but I damn sure look good. That’s what I care about. Looking good. Don’t get me wrong, I like meeting up with people too. Linking to do things like have juvenile fun or just eat. Oh, trust me, I love eating. I’m your regular ‘ol teenage girl. Brown skin, long hair, bright eyes. But it’s the way I dress... yeah, they love that. You won’t catch me outside unless I’m looking up to par, usually. I wear make up too, it allows me to feel a little more confident and less grouchy. You might be able to tell that I have less friends than the average person, though. I don’t spend my time looking to make friends because I believe the right ones will always fall into your lap, and vice versa. And besides, I don’t need friends unless they’re like me. Understanding, less competitive than the average joe, and easy going, overall, just fun to be around. 

So, the average person might call me a show off, but I’d say I just dare to be different. It’s for my own fun, no one else’s. I may go out in a skirt and cropped blouse with sneakers but that’s because that’s how I’d like to dress. I may still put my hair up and do my makeup that day, because that’s just how I’d like it. But I swear, the day I meet some friends who are just like me, or could even relate to me on my level of audacity, I will be the happiest freaking chick on this here planet earth. 

The people here are all boring or stuck up in their own ways. I live in a small city off of the east coast. It’s pretty much lights and shops. Not the boutiques you might be thinking of though, there are some pretty expensive parts. Where I live, it’s border line projects. If there was war zone and base, I’m in no mans land. There’s no telling what could happen, there could be a block party one day, a street fight the next, and the week after, someone has gotten shot. It all depends on the mood in the city, really. That’s why it’s hard to find people that I can easily relate to. They’re most likely cooped up in the house most of the time, like me. Thinking out loud, this may be another reason why I’m portrayed as the “show off.” I barely step out, so when I do, I’m always noticeable? Or noticeably dressed to please? Hmm. 

My apologies for loving the skin that I’m in, but I happen to like silky skirts and short shorts. I don’t flaunt my body or anything but I can help that I look good, humbly speaking.

So anyway, as you can probably tell, it’s not very hard picking up guys. I never look but they always seem to find me. The only time I’ve ever decided I wanted to go out JUST to find an attractive guy to occupy time with, was when I had just had my heart nearly shattered. I tend to cope in that way. So yeah, I’ve had my fair share of relationships, minus the drama. You won’t catch me beating down someone’s door over a man, ew. Honestly, I’d let them have each other. Good riddance. The more I think about my past, the longer it takes me to escape my unhappy thoughts, which is all I’ve been trying to do lately. I accept all thoughts -happy and unhappy- with open arms. Everything is thought of for a reason right? I mean, that’s what they say, and it’s easy to believe. The reason may be welcoming or unwelcoming, but that’s something you’d have to figure out after the thought I’d already processed. So, I leave the thinking to my brain and try to focus on my future instead of my past mistakes, or memories.

And let me tell you, they can be easily foreshadowed as mistakes. I’ve dealt with enough guys to have a made a few. Like I said, I don’t go flaunting my body, or looking for trouble, but oh, it does find me. 

Since a young girl, I always seemed to find boys attractive. All complexions, ethnicities, styles. If you had opened eyes and a bright smile, we could’ve became good friends. I wasn’t always looking for a relationship with the people I found attractive, but on one end, intimacy is just necessary. I remember my first boyfriend. I was around 9 or 10 years old. I had liked him because he had braces, and he was foreign. He lived not too far from me, only about 6 houses up the street. And he was nice too. He seemed to like me back and so we tried the dating. I was young enough to lie to my mother about it of course. I didn’t want her worrying about me, or maybe I was just scared of what she’d say. Either way, I kept it a secret from her for the entire three month relationship. 

After taking thing to the next level, a.k.a becoming my boyfriend, it didn’t take long to fast-forward to kissing scenes. It started out like any regular kid-ship; holding hands, pushing each other on swings, not to mention, he bought me silly band bracelets. And ah, those silly bands, they were very cute, I can still remember the times he knocked on my door just to slip another onto my wrist. It was almost taunting to the other kids. A relationship so smooth between us kids who were so young. I still can’t believe my mother never realized. I mean, I lied to her but she could’ve asked him herself... I still would have probably tried to keep our relationship a secret, though. I’m not sure why I was always so secretive about my relationships. It’s just the way I grew up, I guess. And he definitely left me with my first heartbreak. I walked down our street that day wondering what I could’ve did differently to keep us together. If I could’ve fought for us to stay together, Looking back, it feels like I let him slip away too easily.

I thought for a couple minutes about what I could do to change his mind. What I’d done to make him feel the way he did. If I could’ve took better care of myself, maybe. Even at 10, I thought I was too fat, maybe even too sloppy. I didn’t have a clue back then. I cried for a couple of minutes, walking down that street. And then I got over it. Easy.

Honestly, that’s probably what started my whole “fuck what anyone else thinks of me” phase. I was a young and carefree little girl until I got my heart stomped on by a 9 year old. It taught me to never hold on to what you might think a strong relationship is. It said to me “bonds mean nothing.” I haven’t been the same since.