we accept the love we think we deserve

i read this quote in a novel i was reading, two or three days ago. and it's true, we do do that.

the other day my friend reached out to me telling me to get help urgently because the shit i've been doing and saying for the past few months worried her. and i explained to her that my lifestyle makes me happy. that i enjoy going to the gym every day, cooking, cleaning, and spending the rest of my time texting this bitch who don't even want me. 

and I was telling her that sometimes, I like watching the boys at my school play basketball together and wonder what it would be like to be friends with them, to be included. wallflower shit, right? she asked me why I don't talk to them or try playing and I explained that I don't feel the desire to join, that it wouldn't be worth it. 

and she said something that stuck to me, she said
"you think you don't deserve it"

and honestly I think that's what it is. the more i think about it, that's what it really is. my whole larp shit is all just a huge fucking facade to make myself feel better about the fact that i'm alone. and i'm thoroughly alone. that doesn't mean i'm unhappy by any means, i think i don't want to slit my wrists open vertically the way i did a year ago. funnily enough, after everyone left i started feeling better.

i was down when i had everyone around me, when i was surrounded by classmates and friends and family and people. 

and now i'm doing well, right? i'm doing well, im eating well, im cooking, i'm cleaning, living super independently and i'm going to the gym four times a week because i do and i can.

and i don't want to end it all anymore. and everyone's gone.

my mom's gone (AMEN!) my brother's gone (i actually miss him), my friends from germany and i are all estranged and i havent hung out with a classmate in about a year, and that last one doesn't really count because we hung out to study and we literally didn't do anything else or talk about anything else, so not-counting that one, it's more like two years, give or take. my classmates, within the past three weeks, have started talking to me for some reason. i think, at least some of them, think that i'm autistic or something. for the record, i'm not autistic, i'm just socially inept. well, not socially inept, i'm able to connect with others if i want to, i just dont want to. at least that's what i've been telling myself, that's a lie, i think i don't deserve it.

i think i dont deserve to be happy with someone else. and it sounds goofy to admit out loud but that's the only explanation i have. people like being around me, i'm funny, when i'm around people i make them laugh, they smile, they seem to enjoy my company, they want to hang out again. but i self-sabotage my relationships, i think. i don't text people back, i stop making an effort.

and as male-manipulator as it sounds, it's not them, it's me. and i tend to push people away before they end up getting too close to me, it just ends up hurting them, right? they deserve better. well, no, fuck that actually. i'm really really cool i think, i think i'm a good person. Or at the very least, I'm not a bad person. I'm certainly a decent person, and I think people should be happy to be able to call me their friend. not lucky, just happy. i tend to bend over backwards for friends, i make an effort unlike other people and i think it sets me apart, even if i'm lame or something. my friends should know that they're never forgotten.

i think we accept the love we think we deserve, and we turn down love we think we don't deserve. and people think that the latter refers to people who turn down love that isn't adequate, turning down someone who doesn't respond properly, turning someone down with poor communication because *they deserve better*. But I feel like nobody really thinks about people who seek out actively bad people or people who miss opportunity after opportunity, intentionally avoiding and alientaing anybody who tries to break through to them.
Because, even though I'm cool, and other people who pull this shit are cool, I wonder why I think I don't deserve it. Hell, all of my issues tend to lead back to my mother. It's all my mother's fault.

I just tend to leave entries unfinished. This right now, this entry was started four or five days ago I think, I wrote a sentence or two and then set it private because I wanted to work on it later, "later" being undefined. But I'm bored in class right now and clicked "edit blog post" and now I'm just word-vomiting all over the fucking place.

Most of my blog entries aren't visible, it's all just drafts on drafts on drafts. it actually really sucks lol,, When i first started writing on spacehey, maybe 3-4 months ago, I was so eager to write with nothing to say. Or so much to say that I didn't even know where to start. 

much love J