about relapse… (TW)

TRIGGER WARNING: disordered thoughts, anorexia.

after a year or two of recovery from my eating disorder, i relapsed in may. i have since been struggling with obsessive thoughts, bad self image, and even worse habits.

i’ve always been very self-aware of how unhealthy and disordered my thoughts are, every disordered thought is followed by the excruciating reminder of how scary my disorder is. i know it’s unhealthy to measure myself first thing in the morning, yet i get so happy seeing the numbers go down. as soon as people start to worry about me, i am reminded that the starving was all worth it.

this weight loss comes at the cost of my education, social life, and basic human functions. my physical and mental health is rapidly deteriorating, between increased stress and horrifyingly low intake… yet i can’t wait for people to notice and worry…

i want to recover and be happy, but after spending almost 10 years with this disorder, i feel as though it is unachievable.

i do find some solace in the idea that once i reach my ugw i will be able to maintain, though this small voice in the back of my head tells me that i will never be satisfied. i can’t risk inpatient or being unable to live alone, so i must be careful and set my limits. hopefully i will be able to.

– marie.