first bloggy blog

having an online diary has always been an interesting concept to me. i’ve virtually soft launched the concept for a few months now on twitter, being a private account with only my boyfriend following me. but there are just some things i don’t even want him to see. i’m not hiding anything, you see, but rather i am a person who struggles to show weakness. and i am also a person who seems to be apart of a long running cosmic gag where i am infinitely stuck with -2 luck. i wouldn’t call myself an unhappy person. i’m grateful for the things in my life. but i struggle, probably just as much as the next person over. i’m not special or unique in that sense, i may not even be particularly interesting to most people. and that’s alright, i prefer to watch, anyhow. it is 1:06 am as i write this now. i have work in the morning. i work in the optic field, if you were curious.

who are you?

i don’t mind. i don’t think i’ll care to ever know who you are, reading this. but i will talk to you. i’ll speak to you through these entries as if i am speaking to my own heart. i have nothing to fear letting things out here. and that’s why i feel safe to an extent doing this. it’s time for my hard launch of an online diary. a ‘blog’ of my life i suppose since this is technically a blog format. i’ll always wonder if anyone will read these. i never believe anyone does. but it won’t stop me. and i hope you enjoy this, stranger across the stars. 

life is interesting at 19. you feel like you’ve experienced the world and yet in reality you’ve only barely scraped the surface. it’s easy to get lost in, to drown. to jump and dodge daily hazards simply because your brain work’s differently. and while attributing that to mental health would be correct, i don’t even mean it in that sense. i’ll leave it up to interpretation.

i had my second seizure, yesterday. i’ve been strangely calm about it all. i had my first seizure in march, after my crash. my brand new dodge charger had been totaled as i got t-boned. ouch. ouch is a silly way to put it. anyways, i hit my head real bad. never got a concussion but a week after my accident i had a seizure. i never went to the doctor. i was terrified but i didn’t have the money. i also had just moved into my first apartment only 3 days after my accident and i didn’t want any more medical bills or restrictions as i wanted to start work and get on with my life. for the next several months after that i continued to have weird feelings in my brain, but never an actual full on seizure to my knowledge. until yesterday. but it didn’t scare me like the first time. i was a wreck for a month after the first time, scared it would hit me again while i was driving. or it would be Tonic-Clonic and possibly kill me. but now, i’m not afraid. i’ve been wishing to die latley, but things are getting better. i don’t think the lapse of fear is coming from a place of wishing for finality. i don’t want to die, really. but i don’t know why i’m not scared. don’t get me wrong i’m concerned but, i don’t know. i choke it up to not having 1.8k to pay in medical bills as my deductible before insurance will cover. my insurance doesn’t even start for another 30 days. worse. but i am nervous. it’s likley the crash caused me to develop epilepsy, that’s not an uncommon occurrence. but, i was not built to be a human carrying that kind of weight. i succumb to paranoia easily. i stress about things to the point of illness, even when i realize i’m worrying about something impossible or garunteed not to happen. it’s a specialty i suppose. in a way it’s making me appreciate life a little more, though. if i get stuck with a permanent ticking time bomb that could take me out at any moment, i should probably try to enjoy things a little more.

i’ve never been a particularly shoddy person in the terms of accelling. i graduated college with an associate degree at 17, and went on to major in buissness management for my bachelors. i have great friendships, a great relationship, and despite having such shitty luck i do happen to have the most random beautiful things happen to me. or is that just how life works? anyways, certain life events make me feel like such a failure. i dropped out of college while pursuing my bachelors due to sexual assault. i became incredibly depressed and couldn’t go to any of my classes. dropped 4/6. and passed the final two with a “c” 

went home for winter break with all my shit and never looked back. january was probably one of the worst months of my life, ever. february thru march wasn’t much better. in may i got the opportunity of a life time, and moved half way across the country to the east coast and began working with an olympic horse show barn. i took care of previous omlypic winning horses and was set to go to the 2024 france olympics repping the company. i forgot to mention i’ve been an avid equestrian my whole life, and only ever worked in the equine industry and majored in buissness management but specially equine buissness. however. i left the initial position i was hired for, for another within the company due to sexual harassment from an employee on my first day. for the first position, i was able to set my own salary. in crude terms, i was balling. but i changed roles no issue, and wound up enjoying the new role even better. from may-july it was great. but. end of july they decided to cut my pay from $19/hr to $11/hr as that’s what the new role technically paid. i did not uproot my entire life and move across the continent for $11/hr. so i quit and moved home. it’s made me feel like such a failure. i have had to move back in with my family and got a new job in the optics field (crazy change, but i love it.) 

and yet i still feel so. bad. like i failed. dropped out of college. back living with family after moving out. lost a career opportunity of a lifetime. it all sucks. but there are pros. i got to meet my LDR bf of 3 years for the first time, and will probably be getting engaged in a few years. he’s the love of my life and i get to see him again in a month for 2 weeks, and then again for christmas. he’s about the only thing that truly gives me happiness, honestly. i find myself incredibly dependent upon him but it works out. i won’t keep talking about him because i genuinely will write a 20 page essay about him, haha. but just know he’s the best part of my life.

this is just recent happening. it’s not all that bad. but i still feel empty. longing to succeed and be better. do you relate? 

i hope you’ve enjoyed learning about my life.

goodnight.