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My Bisexual Journey

People often have misunderstandings and judgments about bisexual people. They can think that we're confused, can't decide, are selfish, want to be with one person of each sex, are promiscuous creatures, want threesomes, etc.  While each individual is different, it's not fair to make assumptions about people. 


I knew that I was attracted to females several years before I found any attraction to males. I was still in diapers and had no idea that these feelings were considered "wrong" by the majority.  To top it all off, I was raised Catholic (Italian) and when it started becoming clear that my attractions were "sinful" I became very confused. Yes, THIS is the confusing part. Why was something natural and harmless considered to be such a terrible thing that you could get sent to Hell because of it? Am I now a bad person? 

I felt like I had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. From a very young age, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't know how to fix it. 

I'll never forget the moment I realized my attraction to males. As soon as I got home from school in 3rd grade, my mom told me that she had recorded a music video on VHS that she saw on TV and thought I would like it. It was the music video for Mmmbop by Hanson. Yes, Hanson. Remember that song that would get stuck in your head and it would drive people crazy? I loved it. I didn't care if people hated it. The moment I saw the singer, I thought "Wow! She is so pretty!" I was enamored.  I was in love. So, I would rewind and re-watch that video several times that day just in awe of her beauty.  

You can imagine my surprise to find out that she was.....he. Taylor Hanson, a BOY?! No way. Impossible. She's too pretty! There's just no possible way that THAT person is a boy. I found myself...wait for it...confused! There's that word again. Confused. Maybe I was confused. Maybe I didn't just like girls? Maybe, just maybe, I liked boys too. I mean, he was a boy. I was attracted to him. That had to mean something. I seriously struggled with this. 

It's humorous to me how I had the opposite experience of realizing that I was bisexual. Typically, bisexual girls will like boys first THEN girls. Not the other way around. So yes, I was confused; just not in the way you would think.

Fast forward to my teen years. It was clear that I hadn't grown out of this "phase" of liking girls as well as boys. I started panicking. I began to question the religion that raised me. If God won't allow me access to Heaven even though I've never gotten in trouble at school, never grounded at home. I never even talked back to my parents. So it didn't matter if I was a good person, I would still go to Hell because I have this attraction. I had always tried to suppress my feelings, I tried to be straight and it wasn't working. Depression started sinking in. I didn't believe in God anymore. Scary and dangerous thoughts started taking over. I can't live like this. 

I'm now in my early 20s. I give up trying to change myself because I'm EXHAUSTED. It was only going to lead to my nonexistence and that just wasn't an option anymore. My baby sister needs me here. I'm basically the second parent, and I'm needed. I decide to accept myself, fate and all. I had also found spirituality and faith again, but in my own way. No religion, no system or group, just me and the higher power. Prayer is my friend, it saved my life. This is okay. I'm okay.

I meet a woman, we become friends, we become more. I knew I had to come out. It wasn't fair to be with someone and to hide them. She didn't deserve that, and neither did I. Will my dad kick me out? I'm pretty sure my mom will be accepting because we're so close, we're practically sisters. I'm not worried about that. But my dad? I was worried about telling him. To my surprise, he was very nonchalant and didn't make a big deal out of it. He was supportive. My mom, however, looked sad. I had broken her heart. She didn't want to believe it. It was a phase, it must be. She had told me "I just don't see that for you." and would often ignore me when I would talk about my girlfriend. I was gutted. 

My best friend, my own mother, didn't accept me for who I was. She was waiting for it to be over. To this day, the dynamic is the same. I've tried having conversations with her, but she gets frazzled and wants to change the subject because it's too much for her. It's too upsetting. She tries to set me up with men, or ask about male friends trying to see if it can become more even though I've exhausted the fact that those friendships are platonic. I get told that she wants biological grandchildren (my son's birth mom is my ex girlfriend, but I've been in his life for 7/8 years of his life and have handled all motherly duties and responsibilities). The pressure for marriage and children is strong. I've been single for over 3 years, only dating once in that time and it was very brief. I love my mother dearly, and I hope one day she can accept me for all that I am.

So, now we get to the nitty gritty. The assumptions of bisexuals and where I stand. I do not have a preference. It's the soul that attracts me the most. I have never had a threesome and don't plan on it. I'm monogamous. Although I think it's perfectly okay to still have attraction to others, I don't act on it and I don't really speak about it out of respect for my partners. I might give a thumbs up, a few words, or a smile about a celebrity, but that's about it. To each their own. I have had friends who are poly and that's totally fine. I don't judge others. I draw the line at blatant cheating. I have never cheated or knowingly been with someone who was taken. I have been hit on by married men and proceeded to screenshot and send the info to their wives. I have so much respect for other people's relationships and marriages. 

I believe that about covers it! If anybody has any questions, feel free to leave a comment or send me a message. xoxo


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Byron Pandamonium

Byron Pandamonium's profile picture

I can't believe I hadn't left you kudos for this yet!


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It's ok!!

by LOOK ALIVE SUNSHINE; ; Report

Very proud of you, stay strong!

by Byron Pandamonium; ; Report

Thanks so much!

by LOOK ALIVE SUNSHINE; ; Report

محبوبة

محبوبة's profile picture

I just read this and I wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your story. It means a lot. I’m in my early twenties and have recently discovered that I’m bisexual as well. I don’t really label it, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I might change my mind but I usually just tell people I like men and women.

When I was eight years old, I kissed this girl that lived across the street from me. It felt so wrong but right at the same time.

I felt so guilty about it. I ended up crying and telling my mom. She was also nonchalant about it and she thought it was just a phase. I thought so too. Growing up, I was secretly attracted to some of my friends but never spoke up about it and I thought it was normal.

I haven’t came out to my parents, but I’ve told some of my very close friends and my therapist. I’ve dated men for my whole life and I’ve never had a girlfriend before. I plan to “come out” to my parents if I ever date a woman and want to bring her over. I also wouldn’t want to hide my partner from anyone.

I honestly don’t know how they’ll react and it kind of scares me. I also know I’m old enough to make my own choices though. I’m hoping for the best but also preparing for the worst. I know I’ll be okay either way.

It’s so sad that people feel the need to “come out” and explain their choices to their loved ones. I blame society for that and it’s all a social construct, in my opinion. I don’t think it should be anyone’s business except yours. How do young girls even know they like boys if they haven’t even started dating yet?

I think you can also know if you’re lesbian/gay/bisexual, etc. even if you haven’t directly experienced certain things yet. Thank you again for sharing your story. It was very insightful.


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David-Angelo

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Wow... Very Powerful Life... The stress has to be really high. IDK if this will help at all... I took the concept, "Happy." I told myself in my current situation, with all my health/mental health issues, is it really possible to be happy?

I said No... I said to myself. Ok, if that is a real fact of reality for me what can I do? Well, I can take those feeling qnd effort and strive to be "LESS"UnHappy... That is something that absolutely can work. I have put in that effort to make all decisions follow the law of logic, how does this make me "LESS"UnHappy? That I can answer, on the fly and make a decision on how I will react and/or reply to said situation.

I have found this process to work and much of the abnormal stresses put on my life have been very managable.


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Agreed! Honestly there are some really crazy things that I've lived through (maybe I'll blog about it when I'm ready) and I always try to focus on the things that I can control, versus the things I can't. It's a struggle to fight for happiness sometimes but it's worth it in the big picture. Being a single parent with no help during a pandemic is scary. It's truly scary. But I do my best to move forward and make sure my son has everything he needs from me and in life. He's the driving force of my motivation. Depression, anxiety, and other things would probably take more control if it weren't for him.

by LOOK ALIVE SUNSHINE; ; Report

I inboxed you more on this topic.

by David-Angelo; ; Report

J03Bear

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This was very well said and I respect you a ton for writing. Personally, I hope that your mom will come around and learn to accept you for you. You’re obviously a person with a loving and caring soul and that should (and does) matter most. Most importantly, I’m proud of you for continuing your story. And I’m happy that you’re here to tell it. Every life is both important and beautiful. The journey of self discovery can be rough. It gets harder when a parent struggles to accept who you are. But it looks like you have stayed strong and, that alone, is impressive.

I wish you all of the love and positivity the world has to offer you. Thank you for sharing your story. It reminded me to continue fighting to change and become the person I know I was born to be. 🐻


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Thank you so much for this! I really appreciate it!

by LOOK ALIVE SUNSHINE; ; Report

Teej™️

Teej™️'s profile picture

This was a ride. I could feel your raw emotion in the words and I'm glad you made it to the otherside and are living your best life now.


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Thank you so much!

by LOOK ALIVE SUNSHINE; ; Report