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i wish it really felt like a desert here

i live in a desert, and i love it, but i wish it really felt like one sometimes. i love california to death. as much as i want to leave as soon as i can, i know i want to come back, too. i love how california has so many selves. it's the coast and the mountains and the desert and the woodlands and the grasslands and the redwoods. every 100 miles is different from every other hundred miles

i think that echoes me, a little. i've never felt like one thing. i talked about it before-- being bi, polyamorous, multi-faith, multi-racial, 2spirit, etc. torn between worlds. i've always tried to label myself in some way or another. i like fitting into something

i try to be punk or i try to be however people imagine a pisces should be or i try to be cunning and flirty or whatever other weird aesthetic-personality box i can think up. and recently, i've let myself be everything, and started flowing between these different "me"s effortlessly

i can't think of it as my person changing. it's not me becoming something else. the something else i'm morphing into is already part of me. the chrysalis is a pretty used metaphor, but it's true. animals.howstuffworks.com says that during metamorphosis, "much of the body breaks itself down into imaginal cells, which are undifferentiated -- like stem cells, they can become any type of cell," and i feel like i understand that in some weird way. all of the things i become were already me, somehow

but anyway, i was talking about california, and the desert, and how we're more of a concrete desert than a real one-- except not really, because it's beautifully green here, but none of it is native greenery, and everything feels imported. there are very few places in the city where i feel like california is really made of california. it can be beautiful, of course, but it's not here

makes me think of invasive species, and how they aren't inherently bad, but destructive because they're not where they should be. harmful to themselves and others, both, y'know?

when i went to utah, everything felt very utah. it probably isn't, to an extent, and i'm sure a lot of my perceptions of it are because i'm an outsider, but i felt the mountains in the city. i felt the lakes and the harsh wind and the brush at my heels while i walked through the streets to get myself fitted for some new rental snowboarding boots

i feel the same way in a lot of the southwest-- excluding vegas. fuck vegas. i hate that godforsaken city. i'm sure there's something good to be found, there, but goddamn. sodom and gomorrah incarnate, i swear

but i don't know. i still love it here. it just makes me feel weird sometimes, when i think of what all this should really look like

i started listening to a podcast recently. i don't know how long the interest will last-- i've never been very good at keeping up with podcasts. it's a hard thing to do, listening to one while doing something else, and i don't feel like i have the time or attention span to just listen to a podcast. maybe that's something i should work on, but i don't know if that should be a priority right now

anyway, the podcast is called unwell, a midwestern gothic mystery. it seems really fucking sick and i really wanna listen ! i hope i stick with it

also started listening to some really cool sista grrrl artists. favorites atm are honeychild coleman and tamar-kali (of course) and then trash kit, queen crescent, and big joanie-- who i'd already been listening to and Adore ! you should listen to their cover of cranes in the sky (originally by solange) if you haven't

this is pretty long, now, so i'll end it and say goodbye, now. talk to me, though ! tell me how you are. go on a rant. say something. hopefully i can write more often

𓅭 𓅮 𓅯

wishing you joyful little moments that make your week

- xalli

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Fawkes's profile picture

Are you familiar with ENA? he/she/they are a lovely character that is above the dilemma of only being able to represent a part of yourself, as they literally just change persona on the spot in interaction. An international treasure. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUwJWv38FpY

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i’m Not ! sounds amazing though.. i love that vibe. i’ll have to check them out !!

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Niiick's profile picture

I've enjoyed hiking in California. Haven't spent a ton of time there... enjoy your thoughts on it and other things.

On some of the heavy stuff,
The self is not what we think it is. That's the thought I had recently listening to Plastic Pills theory podcast episode on the myth of self. Just to then have one of the hosts of the episode echo the same thought.

Though the self is not what we think it is, I'm not going as far to say it's nothing. Even if I may be inclined to. I don't know what to say, but from my own experience... experiences of psychosis and severe mental breaks in the past have led me to be more open to questioning the nature of the self.

When in a mental break there are still "signifiers" I make in reference to who I am or my past, but a lot can be garbled, mixed up, made up or such. That leads me into how we identify ourselves with reference to signs. Are these signs kinduv arbitrary? probably. Many I didn't choose as much as they chose me. But they become significant. Whether they are gender, political ideology or how much people identify with a consumer aesthetic or their favorite program.

Maybe I'm really getting into the weeds here though.

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Fawkes's profile picture

As someone who come from a desert that very much does feel like a desert, I will say that it can be a bit much at times. The synthetic imported greenery can feel fake if you're surrounded by it for too long, but the alternative is being drowned in the beiges, browns, and dry greens forever. Perhaps we were made for that kind of immersion and access to a truly brutally adulterated environment, or maybe we weren't made for any environment and a feeling of general uneasiness with your surroundings is inherent to our condition. I dunno man.

I feel somewhat similar on a general level though. A recent struggle I've had is that I can't for the life of me come up with a coherent vision for a personal website. It feels like having a web-persona requires taking all of my interests, obsessions, and hobbies, and picking just a few that can be coherently pieced together into a single page. It's like being in a quantum superposition. I am so many different things, until I am forced to engage with the outside world, where I had am squeezed down into being one thing at a time. Smelly stinky doo doo fard.

I'm tempted to recommend reading into primitivism, but then I remember that there are no good primitivist authors.

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that definitely makes sense! i don't know-- i guess i find some safety and comfort in the beiges and browns. but maybe that's just because i'm not there all the time. i guess we all need some change to enjoy things. anything gets uncomfortable after too long.

i absolutely feel that, also. it's like i have to squeeze myself down into some weird version of myself that isn't really me. i end up just being some weird side of myself, and never the full me, y'know? somehow, i can't fully encompass myself in any online or in-person space unless i'm with very specific people i love. and even then, something about my fashion and presentation in the world always falls short. it's never all of me, and i think that's something we can't necessarily fix, even if we become more comfortable with and happy with ourselves

and yes! i love primitivism, honestly, though i do agree there are no good authors

by xalli; ; Report

It's funny how different we are, yet how much is the same.

by Fawkes; ; Report

yesss fr !!

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june's profile picture

I love that weird stuff about cells. Also really love seeing people talk about the places they live. :)

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right !! metamorphosis is such a weird thing... like their bodies r LITERALLY rearranging themselves ! and i'm glad u like it :] i think places are so interesting n i love to talk abt them ..

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