Who are we

Who am I, who are you?

I think these are the first questions people ask themselves when they meet someone new for the first time.

And they're extremely important questions, interesting questions. Because what are we asking when we ask that? Who am I, what do you see when you look at me, what do you think when you think about me, what do you feel about me. Who are you, what do I see when I look at you, what do I think when I think about you, what do I feel about you.

The most interesting thing though, is I don't think we ask these questions consciously. Unless someone does I suppose, but mostly I think this is something that runs in the background.

When you learn something new about someone, you ask those questions again and again too. Because your perspective changes, you see someone in a new light, and you wonder if they see you in a new light.

When these become conscious questions it's usually a significant shift, right? Like I met a guy, we became friends, who was he? Who was I? And then I found out he had a partner and I became friends with the partner too, who were they? Who was I. And then a year later (and a bit) they broke up, and I asked again. And I found I probably liked the partner, so I asked out the partner and we dated for a short bit. I fell a little too hard too fast and things got weird and we broke up. I'm still friends with both of them but that vibe changed and I asked again.

I found I was someone who jumps into things quickly, the guy was someone who is very chill always, the (ex) partner was someone who maybe thinks they jump in as quickly as I do, but doesn't necessarily have that same level of investedness as quick.

And I think she must have asked herself those questions a lot too, who am I to her, who is she to me, who is she to herself. That's speculation, but I can't imagine she didn't ask that. Up until about here for me it was all subconscious, and then after the breakup I changed the script a bit, and I consciously asked myself who am I. 

I'm someone who should take things slower, simpler. And I found for the first time this relationship meant something much more than any other relationship has felt for me. And I found I'm a very open person so I said that. Feelings have been hashed out a lot since then.

Today I think I'm over it, and she's a friend of mine, and we have history. Unfortunately for me I think that me getting over it involved me falling a bit for her ex, the guy, my friend. 

Who am I, who is he? 

I asked that consciously this time too. I'm too open, I'm too fast, I'm always looking for an easy fix for happiness and excitement. He's sweet, and chill, and I've known him the longest, and he's the reason I have friends. And we're alike, in a lot of ways. We're different in some too.

The answers to the questions matter the most right now I think. I want to take things slower, I want to fall slow, like a feather. I wonder if he likes me, but unlike my past self, I'm not going to ask him if he does. I want to tell myself it is platonic and if he feels something more then, well, I'll think about it, and we'll take things slow.

I know he likes a couple people, he's only named one, hinted at more. Maybe I'm on the list, maybe I'm not even considered. I want to be his friend. Who is he? Who am I?

He's geared toward long term relationships, I'm used to short and sporadic. I want something nice and slow and sweet and simple. We bought sushi together today. If he sees this he'll know it's him, I don't know if he remembers I showed this blog, and my website, to him months ago.

I am his friend, I think he's mine, I don't know if I know him, I don't know if he knows me. I know his smile makes me comfortable and his hands are soft and his laugh is nice. I know he wants someone to make him laugh. I want to make him laugh.

Maybe we're friends, maybe we're not gonna be anything more. Maybe I take things slow and maybe I don't tell him, and maybe I'll find out if he likes me back and maybe I will accept what answer I can guess. Maybe I'm looking for a rebound because I realised for the first time I actually had a connection with someone, not just an infatuation, and I'm finally over the person but not the feeling.

I tell him I love him a lot, I tell my other friends too, I care deeply, and that is enough. I don't know if the history of our ex, and of our own friendship would make it weird.

Who am I?

I've never had a slow relationship, I've never had a slow crush either. I want to know if I can do it.

Who is he?

My friend, and I think for me to take things slow I have to remind myself of that sometimes.