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I've been in deep thought about the inner child, the shadow self, and the "tether". The neglected other us, dying to be acknowledged, break free, and is exhausted of the caretaker within us, limiting our own freedom and expression. The artistic self = the inner child (including the teenager). I am starting to understand why I have been so secretive about my talent. I aim to understand my anxiety surrounding showing my art and not until recently I became aware that in reparenting, I was also coddling myself. I'm trying to protect her.
I say her because at the time, I was the gender assigned. Regardless of that I was being overprotective of myself in the same ways that I dislike. Through observing other creatives who do not step into their dreams of pursuing art full time I noticed a commonality - they actively experience jealousy, and even emotional extremes like rage and animosity towards themselves and others. I could list other symptoms of inner child betrayal as:
hypercriticism, comparativeness, feeling ignored, small, dismissed, - all feelings that probably began as disappointment that evolved into rage.
When we hope and dream without execution we experience that same irritation and develop the same wound as one who goes through bread crumbing in a relationship would. Im going to take you here, buy you this, all talk. Eventually our inner voice starts to repeat "you're so full of shit". It is the same reaction we have to others making empty promises so it would only make sense that we would internalize that mantra when we share the same behavioral cycle of talking us up, only to not perform.
Like caretakers eventually experience betrayal when their children leave the house, the inner child must rebel against the older adult self because they are inherently in our shadow. This too could go poorly and force us into a rebellion - this is usually the identity crises or chameleon phase of most people where it seems like they are playing with every hair color, style, piercing, simply dying to stand in their truth, finally and vibrantly. They will go to the absolute extreme to make it clear that they deserve to be seen and heard.
The inner child wants to be heard and seen - if they are kept in their position as an insecurity they will become immature and out of balance eventually absorbing the adult self. This is the emotionally immature parent that we experience today. Each one has a story of betrayal that they share openly, I am digesting - in order to break free of immaturity as an identity and defense I must share this existence and body equally.
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Lex
Yeah the whole entire thing was relatable but especially that part about betraying the inner child & then the inner child saying that you’re full of shit. This explains so much of all of my emotions with finally letting go of a toxic work environment & seeking something more solid and slow-paced. I think I underestimate how much my word is my bond to my inner-child/teen self (and really, my adult self too). So much of my childhood *was* centered around having to “get over” being let down by caregivers and even just any adult I was supposed to be able to trust. I got used to and expected for adults in my life to go back on their word. In turn— I’ve become a adult who goes back on my word(s) to me, but it’s time to change that from here on out.
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Thank you for sharing
Some keywords for how I feel reading this & reflecting on it: Compelled. Compelled to do & to write. And to reflect. You know how you read something and your Spirit’s heart says “oh, THAT is it, that is what we’ve been looking for”. Whatever THAT is called lol
“Aligned, activated”
Also relieved— that I’m not alone & that these experiences have words that can be put to them. I started off my trauma unpacking journey in a very sterile way, I did not exercise my creative side or cultivate fun or imagination in the beginning. And as time has went on, it’s just gotten more draining.
There’s a line in Warsan Shire’s work from Lemonade that echoes “why can’t you see me? Why can’t *you* see me? Everyone else can” — and that’s what it has felt like my inner child has said to me so many times, without actually saying it.
Thank you again :)
by Lex; ; Report