iDragSomeoneViaEmailNotRealisingWeUsedToBeBFFs.

I have not blogged in a long time. My life has been a whirlwind of events I keep asking whatever God may exist to make 'temporary', and therefore am not in the mood to blog. I need a job I like to blog. I need to have a shred of happiness to blog. Right now I'm not happy, just very amused over Twitter drama. And that stuff may not be funny to anyone reading, but holy fuck. This is really beating my ass.

In 2018, I became a fan of a K-pop group with a really problematic, nasty, and racist past. (Hear me out) In 2018, naturally, I became friends with some of the fandom members.. Another fandom member and I managed to get close because we're both trans in some way and live not too far from each other. Very cool, right? We see a concert together on Nov. 4, 2019, we hug IN REAL LIFE. And then today I find out they might be a huge racist. How...?

My friendship with this person was very forgettable, evidenced by me remembering less than ten minutes ago that we've met in person before. And my time in that fandom has ended as of years ago, but with the way algorithms work, I'm obviously still interested in them and the algorithm will show me their fans. I also continue to make friends with current fans, but that's not the point. I'm kinda sitting on the side-lines for this fandom, whatever.

Hours, and fucking hours ago, I see a dumb thread of some stupid asshole telling a fandom member directly that their favourite K-pop group is racist. At the end of their smug 'gotcha', they say 'I used to be a fan'. I don't believe them, I make it known I don't believe them, and I go about my day. I've hardly read anything they said, I just know it's bullshit because 11 times out of 10 with this group, it is.

So when I'm home, ready to hit rock bottom for the thousandth time this year, I go back to the tweet and notice it's deleted. I go to the profile. I know that name. They live in Canada. And holy shit, we used to text all the fucking time. I don't know how we lost contact, but I'm so amazed...

Now, for a little bit of further context, this K-pop group is extremely popular. Not with White Americans, but with people who live nowhere near the USA and have skintones that aren't #ffffff. They've won awards in countries that don't speak their language or any white language they would've studied in Korean highschool, and they cater to those fans the most. It is TRUE they have a racist history, but brown and Black fans (like myself) have been able keep enjoying them, music and personality wise. 

So why does my ex-bestie, a white Canadian, come on a tweet from this fandom telling them how racist they are? I don't know, so I try to ask. 

Now, the twitter DMs are closed on their account, so I dig in iCloud and try to shoot a text. The text doesn't go through, so I go to TikTok (TikTok knows every person who used to exist in my phone for some reason), that doesn't work, then I notice that their iCloud information includes an email. And so, I go off. I go hard on this ex-friend. I tell them that I'm really embarrassed I used to associate with them, I tell them their tweets expose more of their racism than the groups, and that it's Cringe. I give them the benefit of the doubt though, I say maybe they forgot that this fandom is mostly Brown, but I don't sugarcoat how racist it feels.. Then I send it. And they deactivate their twitter. 

And then I fucking remember...

We went to a concert together. This concert was not our favourite K-pop's concert, it was the concert of someone who has spoken highly about our favourite group and was close with a good amount of them at some point in history. And when we get to the concert, they say to me that they recognise fellow fandom members in the crowd. I believe them because the venue is tiny. And I think to myself that the only fellow fandom members I know would be here are BROWN FANS (I was also enemies with most of them, and knew they lived in Toronto because they liked to brag about it online. I swear to god, not one of these fans was a white person). AND THEN I REMEMBER THAT AFTER SENDING MY EMAIL. AND I'M LIKE HOLY FUCK.... 

Now, I always knew, even during our friendship, that this person was kinda strange. I didn't think they were really a fan, and eventually they told me they're gonna leave the fandom. This process of leaving the fandom consisted of them shoving racism in my face. 'See? See?'. This motherfucker wanted me to Come With Them... They kinda made me feel stupid for liking this group, but I stayed. I was happy where I was regardless. I finally felt like I had found at least a few celebs in that group who cared about their fans, and as someone who needed that kind of crap in order to get through a day of school, I would shrug. It's not like they were being terrible at the time of our conversations, it was more like Them bringing up old shit for no reason...

So I come online today... They're in my fucking side-line, birdwatch fandom, telling POC how to feel. I drag them through a personal email with my legal name attached, shamelessly. And it all comes back...

Wow. I hugged a fucking rac