skl

last first day of hs down 178 more to go...

it feels kind of surreal, being a senior and all. it sounds corny but i do feel older, too old. i feel like im grasping at the straws of my childhood as they sway slowly but surely away from me, but i guess that's life. i think i like my classes, but then again i havent really experienced them in terms of what an actual class entails. im really excited for my poetry class to actually get started. the teacher has been absent so i haven't even met them or talked about what we'd be doing in the class (yes, poetry, duh, but what specifically?) the only class that im feeling iffy about is caste systems. i don't love the teacher and she already seems like she's going to give a lot of work but we'll see. Ironically thats also the only class any of my friends are in. IVE GOT TO GET OUT OF GYM THOUGH!!! I'll probably try to join table tennis instead. we have a new principal too, i don't know much about him yet, but, respectfully, he's been kind of a pain in the ass in terms of the rule changes he's made. Now, he's saying everyone has to wait until the 18th to go out for lunch, which is fine i suppose but it mainly sucks because before, seniors got special privileges and got to go out before everyone else. and the staff has just gotten pretty hostile. it's just sucky because class of 2024's 8th grade was cut short because of the pandemic, and we didn't really get celebrated in any way, and now we've come to our final year in grade school which feels pretty monumental and it just seems like yet again we aren't being celebrated or acknowledged for that because of everything going on. im not saying we deserve to be praised or anything, but it would be nice to just finally get some perks. but we will see how the year goes and i will try to be positive. 

a guy i liked and used to talk to is in my poetry class and its really awkward. at least for me, i don't know how he feels about it. it didn't end badly or anything im just really bad at responding to texts and dms or just social media in general so we just kind of stopped talking because i would always forget to respond. he's such a sweet guy so i hope i can talk to him again and we can be friends. its kinda ironic that hes in my poetry class because when we were talking, i showed him one of my poems (which was very embarrassing for me) because he wanted to see them when we would talk about our hobbies and stuff. so a part of me wonders if he chose poetry with me in mind, but thats some pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic logic that i highly doubt lol. (its the delusional teen in me 😇). it'll be cool to see HIS poetry now though so i wonder how it'll play out. 

one of my closest friends is in my caste systems class so that's a comfort. she sits next to me so if all else goes to shit we can comfort each other in our misery lol. there's another guy im friends with who is in the class. he was my closest guy friend in sophomore and beginning of junior year. we kind of drifted apart, which has its pros and cons. i was really enamored with him so the space was good for me to get over it, but it was sad to see him fade away because i really did love having him as a friend; it was an instant connection because he's kinda the guy version of me. (or at least he used to be)  he got really looped into the drug scene, which he was already in before, but it kinda became his whole life and all he talked about. before we really drifted i tried talking to him abt it a few times but it didn't really work. he seems to be a little better now which im glad to see. its just strange to me because my feelings toward him have changed so much. i truly am just indifferent towards him which is so foreign to me. being in his presence or hanging out with him used to fill me with excitement or laughter, or make my heart flutter, now it's kind of just like "it's chill to see you". im proud of myself in a sense because when i grow to really like someone, im pretty loyal to those feelings and its hard to detach myself, but i do miss our friendship. i guess its just another one of those life things. im learning a lot about life. (which i have since i was little but now in less traumatic ways lol.) 

funnily enough, one of his closest guy friends is in my architecture class. i think this is the class im most excited about besides poetry. not because the content of the class, but the teacher is really cool, and my table and i clicked right away. i sit with his friend and another girl. the girl is really nice and a little quieter than his friend and i but still cracks jokes here and there as well. ive spoken to his friend before briefly, but this was the first time i actually talked to him for a prolonged period of time or had a real convo with him. i was pleasantly surprised though, he was really funny and chill so i think as a table we will all have fun whilst we are seated together. i thought he'd be kind of a dickhead but he's not so that was cool. and the girl is so pretty and she seems smart so i think its a great balance. i like my table best so im kind of concerned to see what table i end up with later on, but it doesn't really matter, i'll just try my best to conversate nonetheless. 

anyways i just hope i find loveeee or some flings or literally anything this year. i just gotta stop being a wuss and go for it and put myself out there. new year new me!!! i have to push myself to seize an opportunity when i see one and not worry so much about rejection. carpe diem baby 

i guess thats all i have for now, thanks for listening :)

see u soon

-ammie