Why College is so stressful for the mentally Ill youth.

After the worst summer ever in terms of my anxiety levels, I just have to rant about the complete lack of care from third-level education providers for anyone who struggles with college. To preface, I'm going into my fourth and final year of my Bachelor's degree and studying English and History. The past year I have struggled with a lot of mental health issues. A lot of feelings of agoraphobia finally caught up with me from COVID-19 and a series of traumatic and triggering instances with friends outside of education have contributed to this along with increasing family problems and diagnoses problems. I suspect that I am autistic for a number of reasons and scored abnormally high on the RAADS test however I cannot afford an actual diagnosis as it costs around 700 euro in my country and my parents are not supportive of this decision. This left me feeling very low and burnt out which affected my school work. 

To get to the point, I failed two college modules in my third year and was told I was going to have to repeat them. It sucks but it is what it is. I would first like to say that I acknowledge that failing was completely on my part and do not expect special treatment or accommodations without the medical documents to back it up. I am aware of that. I also do not expect a pity party nor is this the mental illness Olympics. I recognise that many people have it worse than me and that my illness is not a trend. I cannot stress how much I understand that this whole situation is on me however there are flaws to be discussed. 

While failing was definitely stressful, it was nothing compared to what was to come. I was told when it was revealed that I failed two modules that the module coordinators were handling their repeat grades differently. For my English module, I would have to complete an essay about the topics we had covered that semester which was preferable to me. My history module was to have a two-hour sit-down exam at the university on August 30th. I was a bit stressed about that as I had never failed anything and had not completed any college exams in person so far since I started in 2020 and my course is known for favouring assignment-based assessments rather than exams. Also, I had not done my final secondary school exams because of COVID so I was sorely out of practice. This exam took up every ounce of my mental energy all summer even at work. I lay in bed at night unable to breathe from panic attacks that came in random waves and suffered with a heavy feeling in my chest all the time. I was constantly exhausted and gained a lot of weight. I knew that if I failed this exam I would add another year to my course and would be in severe trouble with my parents as I rely on them financially for college. To say it was the worst anxiety of my life was not an understatement. 

Whenever I received an email from my school about anything my heart would drop and I would panic even if it was just about car parking at the school. Doing the exam itself was actually not hard. I panicked a lot beforehand and smoked a whole pack but it was done. My grades were set to come out on the 8th of September (when I'm writing this) so I could chill for a week. That did not stop the anxiety but at least I didn't feel guilty about doing nothing other than studying. I received my results this morning and I was pleased to find that I passed the exam however I had received no grade (a fail essentially) for my English module. Now I had sent that essay off the second I got the questions wanting it to be done so I could focus my energy on the exam. I took my time making sure that it was of good enough standard and passed every plagiarism test. I knew that that essay was good enough so I was confused. 

I emailed the lecturer for my English module and he revealed that he had not received an essay from me and failed me (rightfully so). I explained to him that I had sent it and there must be an error. My emails were very frantic with awful spelling and punctuation as I was shaking, bracing myself for the inevitable news that I had to repeat my entire year. However, my lecturer the saint that he is, believed me and told me to not panic and that I could send it to him right then and there and he could submit a grade alteration form to pass me. I was so relieved. All the anxiety that had been eating me up inside for the past three months vanished. 

So when I received an email titled my academic progression I wasn't too worried. I understood that changing my grades in the system would take time. The email detailed that I had failed to receive my credits and that I had to repeat. I knew that my grades would be changed soon however I wanted to be thorough and stay on top of this as I am due to start classes on the 11th of Sep. I emailed my academic advisor (who had been little to no help throughout this repeat exam ordeal by not giving me important information and giving me deficient email addresses) explaining my situation. I sent this email off at 16:24 after receiving the academic progression email at 16:11. The work day generally ends at 5pm so I was eager to get this sorted quickly for my advisor's sake and as it is Friday it is a very real possibility that I won't receive any update all weekend. 

I received nothing from her and that was what sent me over the edge. I had tried my hardest and failed. Then had to do a process that it extremely complicated with little to no help from the university on where I was supposed to register or where my exam would take place and my academic advisor was not sending me important info but instead giving me studying tips and sending me to emails that explicitly say to not reply to them. I am frustrated, upset, tired and on the verge of a breakdown. Nowhere I turn will respond to me because they all left it too late except the actual lecturers. This is honestly the lowest I've felt in a while and it's all because third-level education is more occupied with scaring you into never failing again by creating complicated systems that are surrounded by shame than helping you overcome your hard times and wanting you to redeem yourself. 

Instead, all I have is a bunch of sent emails, no replies and a grade transcript that says I failed.