The ill way I frequented a hackerspace

Gotta go to the hackerspace and fetch some of my stuff. After I shower maybe. But why do I really default to sitting there afterwards, and why did I when I was still regularly around

The way I have been to hackerspaces was never about being actually directly enabled and empowered. I have gotten into friendships and relationships that tied me to them, and that's how I was getting into frequenting them. I only then had the aspirations onto doing something with the oh–so–amazing possibilities.

It was always cool to be aware of all the possibilities, and to converse with people. But really most of the times I spent time in there I've done less than I would maybe achieve in the capable mood I was often going there with. Sometimes I had ideas, sometimes I was beginning to read up on some stuff—

Never really done stuff. Ever had the effects paralleling those I had known to me from visiting my workplace. But there I could freely slack off. So I did, because it was easier to present with than with not.

Ever distracted by what my screen could look like to someone who'd look at it. Just like I'm ever distracted by what my phone or video that I watch on cupped headphones call may sound to bystanders and accidental overhearers.

A partner or a friend: the ever neat options to avoid doing something wrong with equipment or in hacks. By not doing this on one's own. I can't even properly begin to unwind the many levels of overthinking that in many ways hindered any capabilities of doing stuff at the space for me.

I was too weak willed about the desire for availability of equipment and resources and advice. Had the aspirations too vague. Had the inspirations too shallow developed. And I ever had the outlet for either, whenever it got any sharp, to try to proxy making anything through a partner. Or to just end up with a mess in my head if I'd end up with also wanting to avoid making them do everything for me, and somehow finding a third way to poke at, that somehow ended up wearing down the ambitions and ideas, because I still had blockades preventing me to just start making and hacking.

Yes, without all that my presence around there or at the Camp or at other spaces gave me, I would be vulnerable to other challenges of self-validation struggles and lacks in awareness or belief in possibilities. But the moments when I was doing & making were always most prominent when I had lengthy uninterrupted periods of solitude with little plans in schedule, or especially whenever there were perspectives of possibly not going to be able or have opportunities to engage in any plans in some time and I had mental breakthroughs after succumbing to a depressive episode.

And the badge from the camp is one more thing illustrative of it: the place I'm most likely to start having fun from experimenting and creating with it is my home once I'm alone back at my desk.