Fatigues, aims, roams - of early September

I thought I would be travelling to Berlin on the weekend, but I think bowel issues will make me give up on that for that week. I've had a lot happen over those two days; a change of plans happened and while I'm extremely happy of some of its results, it has also brought a lot of interpersonal stuff that really exhausted my emotional capacity for a while.

With how long I was unsure, anyway, taking a Monday leave for staying in Berlin for a while more could be not so easy at this point anyway. I was considering it even just to possibly rest after the current events as an alternative, but also work situation with others' holidays and someone calling in sick may make such short-notice leave not too cool to ask for.

A bit sad how long I haven't been able to meet up with my somewhat-partnered crush in Berlin; if I won't go this weekend, it will make for almost a whole month eh not really, would be three weeks instead of two weeks having passed so far.

Also I would be hoping to not have an urgency to rush myself with getting STI tested as requested by someone I would like to get intimate with if staying over in Berlin this or next weekend; I also really want to get my thyroid hormones tested because of how I once had issues with muscle trembling that used to even often disable me from touchscreen typing entirely, as well as I need to check my sex hormones levels. And right now my bowel issues don't make it easy to handle my panic phobia and the resulting nausea were i to have tests done.

Meanwhile, really glad I can be back in old settings of staying over at my ex's-headmate's place. All the sense of urgency that surrounded the camp situation made me very frustrated about lack of access to this stuff and very mindful of not being able to be there. The relation with her following the reconnection is also now bringing considerable comforting for me.

Now she departed to travel around Germany for about a week. I will most probably be seeing my quasi-gf/qpr today at her place that i'm now let to use for one-two more days; I feel quite friends/qpr with her at that point but firstly her being outgoing to meet with me feels good to me and secondly this setting might be much better without all the stress from staying over and the whole travel-manner arrival.

That kinda collides a bit with my plans to go to the hackerspace and fetch some stuff from my box, since my qgf wouldn't be going there with me, hence the possibly a day longer stay here. I wonder if I will manage to get myself sending parcels to myself, because with how things are currently, or despite how things got again, it doesn't seem enough to leave that much of my stuff over here. And if I would get to packing parcels, I could ditch the suitcase here and instead grab the e-scooter that qgf wants to give back to me; she doesn't want to use it anymore since she's been getting into too many accidents even if not from her fault.

Primarily because of the bowel issues, today is not a caffeine day but a day of extended release methylphenidate. That is very much about how much I have been slacking off in the recent days — often because some urgency about something overcoming my mind: sometimes having to pack, sometimes needing to spend time with someone while I could, sometimes having them do a Covid test urgently, sometimes needing to have a farewell with them.

Oh meow now gotta pause the music (Dream Theater - Images And Words) and get into a meeting for an hour or so. I really hope I will get done with the urge to blog and share my status with my close ones and become able to really fully focus on work already (and 10x it) until the evening with taking a break for nothing aside of food.

Eh as I've been wanting to check if there was a way to type an em dash in WordPad, because I this time decided to use it like I usually would WordGrinder, I learnt that Microsoft is removing WordPad from Windows after nearly 30 years

Things going on also question the way I have been enjoying music recently aside from compact optical disc purchases, a Subsonic-compatible repository that I had with friends. I guess I will now be switching to carrying microSD cards for my mp3 player? I should have always gotten more physical about these files anyway; and now with how the friend group got all ultimately broken up, I guess there won't be everyday discoveries and additions anymore, so I can go for a more static approach. As long as I note down my listening habits, any microSD that I would be to lose will be reproducible with time, so no need to store it on sophisticated resilient hosts.

Although with how that Benjie K11 / K9plus be, when I wanted to drop myself some music for the morning onto it.. it had issue with one codec of m4a, ended up rushing to choose XMedia Recode; then tried to recode into Ogg/Opus but that ended up not being supported, so the music landed into a 320kbps Ogg/Vorbis. I didn't want to recode what iirc was lossy-encoded into a lossless FLAC that this player also supports, with how I currently only have one 16GB card in stash for usage with it.

I could have comfortably used a proper commandline utility that would already guess easily what to use and without it being proprietary, but this laptop stays Windows just because I had been reluctant about missing fingerprint sensor — i blogged about that before already —, and thus not too easy to do so it is.

As to my slowing down on things and overstimulation, there have been things indicative of that last evening. Two friends came over to here and while my ex has been mostly hosting them and thus enjoying talking to them, even when matter of wondering about the experiences with that very laptop of mine came up, I ended up unable to utter anything about it, with how I barely was even able to process speech in a receiving way already. Even though I enjoyed the topics and I loved even being able to just passively listen to the conversation, and I did feel welcome. That visit occured not long after I had some conversations with my ex that touched strings of some matters, about someone, that I emotionally struggled with; during these conversations I had moments of shaking as if from cold and such, struggling to speak coherently — and haven't managed to entirely recover, as it turned out.

Thinking about my plans again for September, I guess I would want to go to Berlin also on one of the last two weekends of September, since a friends' couple would be back from holiday and willing to host me; I wish, however, that I were with my mind more intellectually capable by then, I hope to manage some personal development — in a manner requiring solitude in my case — about being passionate about stuff till then. I really want to be able to indulge in fulfilling conversations more with whom I visit, once I do. Recently some of my conversations with some people were having me be really tired-sounding, and while somehow I was still enjoyed when listened to, i wasn't so sure about my lecture-like proceeding with conversations that arose, and the very tiredness of my speech structure and manners itself was getting me tired with itself.

I am also having thoughts about a certain someone that I might be able to coincide in Berlin sometime, that I used to have mutual feelings with; with how in the last two months including until the recent events, and Camp, I haven't ended up learning more about nor even being that much in touch with them, and with how my personal auditory processing disorder issues are a poor match with their voice emission characteristics, especially with how I sometimes am poor in managing English in speech... I've had some thoughts that this isn't going to lead anywhere other than platonic or even into much closeness, and probably will end up somewhat kinda on hold.. I sometimes am thinking about whether I maybe should communicate some of that to them. There is just so much amazing stuff about them that I just know as brief mentions of facts and could normally really spark my feelings towards them; and the whole idea of crushing on each other ever carried so much vagueness in regards to what even are their relationships like in generaly and specifically what could things with me lead towards, i was ever so confused about what their feelings towards me exactly are — but they have once said they needed to think it through, and then they were often too overloaded with life stuff to be asked about that again.

So much developments in scope of weeks, month, two months; with everyone dragged and altered by the tides feeling like it has been months. What even happened to my objectives planned for solitude time again? Everything is still tangled and the narrow sight into a hole in the tangle had me mistaken I'm having things be streamlined for a while and no tensions to the point of perspectives of getting disheveled like a thread, and yet new twists and tangle tensions keep revealing from arrangements old or external.