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Category: Life

Update on me since its been a year (TW Vent)

So, i'll start with the good things. I've been in a relationship for almost a year, on the 19th of this month it'll be a year since we've known eachother, heaven knows how much I love him.
I also started studying again, studying music/singing in a conservatory, I had quit during the end of last year cuz I was struggling w some things, so this year I came back and my grades are doing well.
Also I have a new PC, i've dreamed for quite some time of maybe becoming a streamer, so my mom helped me out getting me a new PC cuz she also wants me to work from home so I can study calmly and finish my career.
My psychiatrist told me im good to go and that I dont need to see him anymore, quit all medication.
I also reunited w my family on my mom and dad's side. I met my uncle (dad's brother) after a decade of not seeing him and met his family, I was at his little daughter's birthday, met his wife whom I had never seen before, seen my cousins whom I also hadn't seen in mooore than a decade. He's an amazing wonderful person, better than my father ever was in his entire existence. I also started talking to my aunt again (dad's sister). They've all made me feel loved and cared for even tho its been so long.
Also reunited w my mom's side of the family, been at my cousin's birhtday, got to see everyone together and laughing and having a good time, y'all dont know how much that means to me cuz I was estranged from everybody cuz of how dysfunctional everything used to be in the past. Started talking again to my other cousin, same age as me, he's like a brother to me, even tho we havent talked in years so many years, he's been supporting me through thick and thin with the things i've been struggling with, im an only child but he makes me feel like I got a brother now.
I've learned through all of this my family is bigger than I thought, and that what I was longing for became true, a big happy reunited family, a family overall. I didn't have that, now I do.

TW Suicide, Domestic Violence, Death.

Now onto the bad things going on, my father's dead, or at least that's what it seems, there's no body but analizing the situation, it's the more likely thing that happened. Last time I saw him before he abandoned me was 2014 I believe (not sure, I was around 11/12). But then he completely dissapeared from the phase of the earth in 2019, no one knows where he's at, even when he was away from me and mom, my uncle, his brother, still had some contact w him, cuz my father used to reach out to him whenever he needed something, but around 2018/2019 (last time my uncle spoke to him), my uncle found out from him he tried again to commit suicide, he slipped and fell, hit his head so bad he broke his skull and he was waiting to get surgery to get a part of his skull replaced, that was the last thing my father told my uncle on call after he survived his attempt.
He was a homeless alcoholic (with many mental health issues) who was incredibly self destructive and last thing we know about him is that in 2019 he renovated his id with the adress of the hospital w was bout to get the surgery at, most likely didn't survive the pandemic or he tried again to unalive and succedeed. If he was alive he'd be in contact w my uncle still, but isn't, not even his last girlfriend knows anything. Its been two years since i've known this information, and my psychologist still tells me I haven't finished mourning still (Its hard to grieve somebody when I still have the ilussion of him reappearing in my life, he's like a ghost in my mind, everytime I see a man that looks similar to him I question whether it might be him or not).
Two years ago when I was trying to figure out if he was alive or not, his last girlfriend told me he was writing a book for me and that he always used to tell her about me. A while ago I told my uncle this and asked him if he could try to look for it in his old PC (since he's the one who kept everything he used to own after his dissapearance), he sent the disk to be restored to get all the information possible for me and I got the "book" made "for me". Only to find out when reading it, that the only time where he mentions me is where he recalls how once he changed my diapers (while living w my mom at the time), only to follow that up by a monologue of how miserable he was, how miserable his job and his relationship w my mom made him, while he made no attempt to get better and to stop wasting his money on alcohol and cigarrettes, meanwhile complaining that he didnt have enough money to get by the end of the month. While constantly insulting my mother (who he used to beat up), blaming her for everything wrong, making it seem like he only hit her twice but he ain't abusive by his own words because it was only twice (which is a lie).
I expected at least an apology, at least an "I miss you", an "I love you", at least an "im sorry for everything I put you through", nothing there was written for me, nothing, at all. The only thing I got from reading that was a dissapointing conclusion of what a miserable and sad person he was, and that he's better off dead. It's dissapointing but at the same time reassuring how me being 20 years old by now, I got further in life and im more responsible of my life and my actions than he ever was in his entire 41 years of life. I used to be insecure about the fact I have symptoms of the same disorder he had, I always feel horribly guilty when I recognize a terrible reaction on my part where I end up hurting myself violently that reminds me of him and his behavior, because I'd hate to be like him. But I also see, how even with the simmilarities, even still struggling like a bitch, I only ever chose to hurt myself, but no one else and I still own up to the fact its my responsibility to be better than that.
I only wanted an "I miss you".

I dont know what to do, I dont know what to think, I just dont know anymore, I need different perspectives about all this, in my mind when the pain is as awful as it is I always see everything being horrible, so I dont know whether im seeing things clearly or not. Anyways, done venting, idk if anybody has any advice or something to say but im open to reading y'all.

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Shadow Bliss

Shadow Bliss's profile picture

I'm glad you're mostly doing okay.

As someone who also has a shit family - none of this is your fault. I hope you know that

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Thank u so much, it means a lot hearing that

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Lord Byron Silverhand

Lord Byron Silverhand's profile picture

I know it probably isn't much, but I'm glad your mom is sticking with you through all this.

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Im glad too, I cant do this alone and I need my family more than ever

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