♡ gyaru & subculture (and me being sad about it!!!)

just a warning that this blog is a vent !! normally i wouldn't be so candid on a blog, even if no one knows who i am irl, but i just rlly like subculture and the spectrum of dressing up like you belong in one and actually being part of it

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so u know how being gyaru is very much a lifestyle thing? the fashion and styling is also just as important but it's rlly just in line with the type of person a gyaru would be -- fun & friendly, has a good grasp on social skills, parties? yea

the moment I became a tiny little middle-school weeb, i've always wanted to dress myself gyaru before I even knew what gyaru was (specifically more agejo & hime gyaru) and I've been slowly building my wardrobe to that, or at least with inspiration from those substyles. I don't strictly dress gyaru-inspired, but I hold so much love and regard to fashion and subculture that it means a lot to me to understand the culture behind the different styles I naturally gravitate to

But I'm just,,,,, not gyaru,,,,, no matter how I dress up,,,, even in moments where I see myself the most socially capable -- when I am able to be friendly, that energy is not me. I'm not fun in the traditional sense. and I'm often that friend who is at the back of the sidewalk while everyone else is together. I like simply observing anyways and simply being there in the moment for friends. But I just think I do it too much to my own detriment. I want to be fun, too. I don't want to just only be the friend you go to if you want a more "mellow" experience. it turns me into a second thought for other people,,,

and part of me is jealous that a close friend of mine is T__T While they know about gyarus, it's not like they're actively trying to be one -- and that's what makes it so raw and amazing that they can just . be a gyaru . I know the effort it took for them to be the social butterfly they are now and it isn't easy for ANYONE. but it's like seeing someone being there and you're just falling behind

and I get attached to femme characters who have this thing of wanting to be this shining ball of light,,, ENFPs,,, they resonate to me so much and I want to be them and I'm just not that ,, I wouldn't really be as emo about "owning who I am as a person" if it didn't mean that it also reflected the fact that as much as I can dress a certain way, I could barely be that person. And I see myself most comfortable in softer, cuter, more lolita and mori-kei-inspired outfits, so to a degree maybe it works,,, but again,, i also want to be able to gain the ability to be good at socializing and have the people i care for just forget me or think of me as boring,,, and I really AM taking the steps to do that, but god is it so overwhelming.......... it's like i have to be on social media all the time and I have to find new ways to respond to people and it's just so hard talking T~~T 

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No matter how much, or how often people hurt each other, loving someone is never a waste ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡