Entry 2.

September 5th 2023

I don't think I'll be making this a daily thing but this is currently my only outlet where I can rant without feeling guilty or fearing getting sent somewhere.

Today was awful. Everything started off horribly and it ended off horribly. Today started with my father yelling at me for not being fast enough so he can drop me off at school. Though I must add we were still very early.  Honestly this doesn't sound like a big deal on the surface but me being the fathers boy that I am, it hurt. It hurt a lot. I'm still very hurt because of it. I went partly non-verbal because of this.

To make it worse when I had math class I started having an episode. It got really bad.. I was stressing out and practically sobbing for a reason I don't know about. I can't remember most of math class because of how bad it got. All the noise in there didn't help at all either. It was practically a meltdown.

After that I was spacy for most of school until I got media class but it was pretty boring to be frank. When class ended and my parents picked me up they commented on how I was very quiet and asked if anything happened at school today. I lied, telling them everything was fine and that I was just a bit tired, which I actually was. Can you blame me though? It was a very exhausting half of the day. 

It turned out we had to go grocery shopping and I was being forced to do more talking and stuff. It was horrible. And while on the ride there my fathers hat hit my head. There was a loud thud when it hit on impact. It hurt a lot and I started crying immediately. It's embarrassing to admit but I was distraught and that made it worse. But that's just the surface. It turned out after eating that my mother was forcing me to get out of the house to get some work attire for my new job. It was upsetting because I was hoping to stay home and relax after the day I had. 

After a few back and forths we left in a hurry to pick up my sister and my nephew. She had some business stuff to attend to and it happen to be in the same area my mom wanted to buy me clothes. After she dealt with her stuff we went to look for the attire and oh boy, that was stressful. My mother kept trying to get me in very strange clothes. U had to put my foot down and looked for something to my taste. 

In the end I did pick something I enjoyed but I had an extreme headache after it. And to make even better when my father picked us back up it turned out he wasn't gonna take me home and we stayed out till around 8 pm. I was very exhausted. I must also add that around the time I got home, before I found out i had to go out again I was in tears. Crying about how nothing was going my way. 

Honestly I could keep crying about it right now but I'm at a point that if ai keep my eyes closed for like 2 minutes long I could fall asleep. I'm almost making it to two years clean from selfharm too. Though I've been very close to relapsing several times, today being one of many. Some days feel harder than the rest but if I think about it like that I think I wouldn't be here for much longer.