hear me out

the  and everyone is worried.im not sure if im in denial or like the situation isnt that serious and subconsciously ik that so thats why im not overreacting. However, my papa whos like idek 65 or sum is in hospital for the rona and everyone is worried.

I am worried but i cant process it correctly i dont think ? or maybe i am processing it in a fine healthy way thats just my own way. and by processing i mean im doing nothing cus he'll be fine.

but something did happen that shook me

a few days ago my dad called, i was on the phone to a client. I saw my phone screen say dad calling and obv since im on the phone i continued and finished the call and was gonna call him back.

he called twice. both times i watched it ring out. after my client call i was gonna call my dad back to see if he's okay and what he needed. but then i hesitated and waited. i waited to see if he called a 3rd time. he didnt. so i never called him back.

days pass and today i heard he sent a message saying sum like its his last time going to the hospital and everyone is freaking out. i saw this and was like wtf he talkin about and then my sisters tell me to check the "family" groupchat. The "family" groupchat i wasnt invited to for years and when they added me i muted it and archived it and genuinely forgot it exists. Never once in my life looked at the groupchat till today.

First thing i see is that my dad has rona. This + not calling him back + his message fucked me up a lil

and all this shit with my friend who i used to like and used to like me and we both knew and were like chill chill and then things got /s and i panicked just like fucking last time BUT i didnt fuck up so bad or anything.

but now its all messy and shes cold and doesnt wanna talk to me. 

why does she only wanna talk to me when her crush doesnt ?? i dont understand i feel like very very few people actually enjoy talking to me and when i think about that then im reminded im kinda lonely i dont have anyone im in this empty house and even when my father is here it feels empty.

bro i actually dont know how much longer i can keep doing this. im fine then at any moment where i think too deeply about whatever is affecting me (and got pushed to the back of my mind) then i will actually just break down and sob not cry sob its so fucking pathetic and i feel powerless cus im just crying and i have no answers only questions so many questions about so many things 

its like i forget about it cus im busy w work or playin w my friends but when i dont have either of those everything is quieter but my minds not slower its still racing but its racing through things i dont want to think about all of the things i dont want to think about and its like floodgates and i fucking sob

im sorry if u read this. dont worry im fine (; sorry if im being overdramatic im not trying to or trauma dump lmao im sorry whoevers reading this i hope ur happy, safe, loved and kind 

i love you, get some rest