idk

i don't know if this could be considered some sort of vent but like throughout my life ive been always afraid of change, when i was younger, i said stuff like ''i want to be older'' or ''cannot wait to get older'' that's actually kinda ironic if u think about it but i dont want to talk abt my childhood but instead the now, how i am as a person now.

next week school starts 4 me and usually i would be kinda stressing out about it and thinking ''ohh what if this happens''' or '''i am not prepeared'' and like don't get me wrong i still sometimes say that to myself but in a way im kinda at peace with it if that makes sense.

why should i worry for something that hasn't even come up yet technically, i haven't started school yet so why worry? 

so im gunna try making this week be the best one i could make it possibly with the remaining time ive got, ive got to thank this summer for actually making me more of a better person yk 

i geniunely feel so blessed that ive changed,

i had people in my life who would have said crap like 

''oooh ill change!111!!!'' then they wouldn't actually  and would still treat me like absolute shit but idk i actually somewhat love myself now.

and yk not all good things but be these big events.

to me atleast it could js smaller stuff

like once i went on this walk and everything had this bluish tint to it, with a beautiful sunset. and i closed my eyes. i peacefully heard the bird chirpping happily along the summer breeze. and it almost made me smile, that led up to me realising something important about myself

i'll always have a negative part of me inside

one that lashes out at people 

that tells itself that its pointless but

that there's another part of me

one that is somewhat filled with joy and peace

one that still enjoys more smaller things

one that even after an absolutely horrible day can still find joy in smaller things

i truly think that this time ive fully accepted who i am as a human being, no longer will i cringe each time i say something somewhat positive cus why cringe at me?

i love being me man

maybe ill be brought down at certain points throught my life

maybe my parents will yell at me

till i begin crying 

but even then.

ill get up and continue 

ill continue being me

ill continue enjoying the smaller things in life.

ill overthink things

but ultimately that's what it is

just bad thoughts

all i need in my life at this point is a house of somekind, maybe even a pet. and one royal friend that i know will stick to me by my side no matter what man

i don't need 100 friends that ill probably end up abandoning me over nothing.

i js need one

and ive got that

anyhow uh sorry for all the long reading you must have done i truly do

i js kinda let out all the thoughts i had on my brain this night yk

bye :D