why i dont think Lady Bird and her mother are bad people

Greta Gerwig’s Lady Bird was easily one of  the most acclaimed coming-of-age of  the 2010s and it has grown to be one of my favourite  coming-of-age movies of all time. The charisma of this movie and how it  deals with teenage friendships, crushes, relationships, pursuing colleges, make it  all resemble a journal entry of a teenager. That makes it very grounded and relatable. That's the essence of cinema.

But don’t get it wrong, at its very core, Lady Bird is about a teenage girl and her complicated relationship with her mother. All the other subplots are a result of this. 

The very first scene starts with the two of them, and the very last scene is still  about their growing relationship. I was having a conversation about these characters with someone and they very easily claimed that Lady Bird  was a bad person and Marion was a bad mother.

And as someone who also has a  very complicated relationship with his mother, I just don't think that. I think there's so much more to it. Marion is Lady Bird’s critical, pessimistic,  controlling mother. And as a result of this, Lady  Bird is a rebellious teenager who dreams of freedom away from her hometown. Marion says things like,

"The way that you work or the way that you don't  work, you're not even  worth state tuition."

"You're not going to a funeral."

"Too tight."

"Well, I suggested you not have  the second helping of pasta."

She, in no measure, is a perfect mother, far from it. And Lady Bird is barely a good character at times;

"You know your mom's tits  they're fake. Totally fake."

"She made one bad decision at 19!"

"TWO BAD DECISIONS!"

"Listen, if you mother had had the abortion, we wouldn't have to sit  through this stupid assembly."

But so much of Lady Bird’s  character can be attributed to her mother’s seemingly resentful behaviour. Marion is to blame for a lot  of Lady Bird's characteristics. To properly understand Marion, who is probably the most complex character  in this story, we need to go the very star - the very first scene where we are introduced to Lady Bird and her mother. Though this rolls out into chaos in the very  next scene, this particular scene is beautiful. 

Gerwig doesn’t choose to start their relationship  on some misunderstanding or an argument. But a peaceful and loving moment between them. She wants us to have this  first impression of their bond. She calls it a Mary Cassatt  painting of motherhood. Something that just depicts joy and maternal love. Marion, then, fixes the bedsheets. She doesn’t have to, but she does. This is the first depiction of a trait that  is continuously echoed throughout the movie, that is she will put herself through an  inconvenience to make others feel better. Or at least seem better to other people. This makes her very critical about herself,  leaving very little space for self-love. She is the bearer of the bad news. She will take the blame so others don’t have to. 

I kept seeing people calling her out for not being a good mother, which was so strange to me because in my first watch it was so clear to me  that she loved Lady Bird so much. She just had a very hard time vocalizing her love. She was not a loving mother, but she loved her very much. In fact, to the point she doesn’t see Lady Bird as a whole separate individual but rather just an extension of herself. She isn’t this critical about anyone else. Not her husband, not her son. No one.

To understand a true nature, we need to look at how she interacts with  everyone and their intentions of doing so. Marion always comes off as a very  considerate person to everyone else. However to Lady Bird, she is as critical  of Lady Bird as she is about herself. It is not a good way of showing affection. But that is how she took care of herself against her alcoholic mother and that is what  she is teaching her own daughter. Not a good thing but really goes to tell the  closeness she feels she has with Lady Bird. The one scene that’s most talked about  when it comes to the two of them is when Lady Bird is trying on her prom dress in  the thrift store and they have this conversation:

"I wish that you liked me."

"Of course, I love you."

"But do you like me?"

Momentarily, she is rendered  speechless and then she says this:

"I want you to be the very best  version of yourself that you can be."

"What if this is the best version."

This instantly takes me back to  the final episode of Fleabag, where she has a conversation with her father.

"I mean I'm sorry. I love you but I'm  not sure I like you all the time."

Fleabag has a very similar conversation with her sister as well, who tells her that they don't need  friends because they are sisters.

"Just thought we were hanging  out. Just as friends."

"We are not friends, we are  sisters. Get your own friends."

They don’t need to get along, they don't need  to like each other because they are family. Their bond goes far beyond that. They might fight with each other but family is always there for  each other at the end of the day. And Marion is there for Lady Bird. When Lady Bird gets her heart broken  by some douche, she runs to her mother and she' Marion is there for her. She runs to her mother and  she's there with open arms. Like a loving mother would. Like a really loving mother would. What suggests their true nature of love  for each other is in the previous scene Lady Bird is confronting the School Principal. The School Principal tells Lady Bird that in her  college essay, she very clearly loves Sacramento. Lady Bird is kind of surprised because she  never actually claims her love for Sacramento.

She just pays a lot of attention to it. And then the Principal says;

"Don't you think maybe they are the  same thing. Love and attention."

Marion also never claims her love for Lady  Bird, but she pays a lot of attention to her. She doesn’t need to tell her to eat less.

She doesn't have a good way of mentioning those details. But she does pay a  lot of attention to detail. So, Marion loves Lady Bird the same  way Lady Bird loves Sacramento. The main problem with Marion is how  critical she is of her daughter. And as someone with an overtly critical  mother, I think I understand why. When Lady Bird’s father loses his  job, Marion comes to break the news. When Lady Bird makes her father drop  her a block away to not be associated with poverty [at school], Marion confronts her. 

"Your dad knows why you ask him to drop  you off a block away from school everyday."

"I didn't mean to."

"You make him feel horrible."

Marion will do whatever it takes to  make her daughter a responsible person. She doesn’t take the best route  for it, which is her own fault. But she doesn’t care if she looks  like a mean person doing it. Back to the argument scene, Lady  Bird breaks out and says this:

"Give me a number."

Marion: I don't understand.

Lady Bird: You give me a number for how much  it cost to raise me and I'm gonna get older and make a lot of money and write you a check for what I owe you so that I never  have to speak to you again."

I’m sure a lot of us have said this word-for-word and Marion is completely shocked by this, and this is one of the moments where I think she realizes she has failed as a mother. She completely deflects that  with a criticism as well.

"Well, I highly doubt that you will  be able to get a job good enough to do that."

It's Marins's coldness which makes  Lady Bird feel like a burden. As if raising her was just a  trouble, financial or otherwise. And perhaps that’s what makes Lady Bird think “If I’m such a problem to them,  then I’ll repay them for all the trouble that I’ve caused them so that  they’ll never have to see me again.” It’s solely because Marion forgets to ever affirm  Lady Bird that in between those judgy moments, she actually does really love her. As much as it's humanly possible. The foundation of their crumbling relationship  is the way Marion communicates or the lack of it. I think, a piece of Marion dies  here because she realizes she failed to keep a healthy between the two of them. A piece of Marion also dies when Lady Bird  makes her father drop her off a block away. You can see how critically she is affected by this when she makes all this effort  to give her children a good life and then Lady Bird says she's  from the wrong side of the track.

"Lady Bird always said she's from  the wrong side of the tracks and I thought that was like a metaphor  but there are actual train tracks."

As soon as Lady Bird realizes her ungratefulness, she offers compensation. Marion just gladly forgives her. I don't think it is just because Lady  Bird said something heartbreaking, it's because this is the possibility  of their future relationship. She knows that Lady Bird could just send  her money and never talk to her again. There’s this immediate look of defeat on her face. It's almost as if she realizes  that she failed Lady Bird here. Despite all of this, they never question  the existence of love in this relationship. I think, Lady Bird and Marion both see that and it’s so hard for her to grow away from each other because of it. But I think, Lady Bird keeps coming back to her, not just because of love but also  because they are the same person. They are the same people in different generations. Marion is happy whenever Lady Bird is happy. She will always put her daughter ahead of her. Of course she wants to spend Lady Bird’s  last thanksgiving before college with her, but if being with her friends makes her  happy then she [Marion] is happy with that.

Marion is also always a bit concerned for Lady Bird. And I think she sees right through Lady Bird when she’s trying to appease these popular kids in her class. It grounds her but she still  lets her spread her wings. Their flawed relationship is because  of the lack of communication. Quite literally because Marion later  gives Lady Bird the silent treatment,  which is literally the worst  thing you could do as a parent.

Lady Bird: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt  you. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I'm ungrateful and I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry I wanted more.

But I think Marion does this because she gives up  all hope to repair their bond as mother-daughter. Like she's completely lost  Lady Bird at that point. That's what she feels like. To Marion, Lady Bird no longer wants her  to be a part of Lady Bird's happiness. If Lady bird has started maneuvering her  way around her mother to apply to colleges, in 10 years they won’t be on speaking terms. The silent treatment is not the way to  go but she must’ve been heartbroken here. Mostly, because she knows she’s at fault here. The last time Lady Bird talked to her about  applying to colleges in east  coast, we know what happened - Ladybird jumped out of a moving car and broke her arm. And even if they had talked to her about  applying to colleges in east coast again, Marion would’ve been critical and Lady Bird would  have applied anyway because she is resistent. And it's not Lady Bird's fault because  Lady Bird doesn't want to go through all of this if she is not even sure  if she's getting into these colleges. 

At one point, Marion tries to overcome this communication barrier by writing Lady Bird a letter but she can't because she's never done this before, and so she suppreses her feelings up until the very end, until Lady Bird gets to the airport. Then she [Lady Bird] goes away and then she reads these scrapped letters that  her father put in anyway. And if you pause to read them,  they are simply heartbreaking, oh my god. She reads these letters and she finally  accepts her mother's love that had been  suppressed in favour of concern. And Lady Bird ends this cycle  of miscommunication, or lack of communication, in the most heartbreaking monologue.

Lady Bird: Hey, mom. Did you feel emotional the first time you drove in Sacramento.

Lady Bird confesses so that now  her mother can openly confess. How Marion tries to end the generational trauma cycle doesn’t work, so Lady Bird does it for her.

Lady Bird (continues): I wanted to tell you, I love you. Thank you. I'm- thank you.

Marion is a deeply flawed character but her attempt to finally express her love for her daughter, which in turn leads her daughter to express  her love her Marion is a monumental arc. It's heartwarming. Lady Bird knows how her mother steps into her room and everything,

of course they knew that they loved each other. It was merely a matter of communication. I love that it ends on the most  positive note ever that despite all of this hurdle not only does  Lady Bird step into maturity, her relationship with her mother  also is now stepping into maturity. Is somehow Greta Gerwig receives this message, thank you.

Thank you for making this movie.

Like, genuinely, it changed my life.