lapse

I would like to preface this poem with a huge TW. This poem is a giant fucking metaphor and i would prefer readers to be able to interpret it, but i do want to say that if you are triggered by s=lf harm or mentions of s=icde, to stop reading. It's not graphic, but just wanted to put that out there.

the box keeps spilling out and im unsure how to manage 

all the loose papers that hold my thoughts, id have preferred down deep but spilled right out of me.

i could sob over the cardboard and cringe at how it rubs my skin

but it continues to keep spilling, and i dont have time to waste.

because i would hate for you to see me.

i would hate if you had to see me like this. 

you already hate to see me cry.

you will never see the worst, as long as i live.

even if that means sometimes i wish,

only a wish,

that i could die and be free and you can finally see me,

crumpled up on the bathroom floor. 

if i die tonight, you can have that box, i promise i'll try to keep it neat.

its cradled me at night and smeared itself a spot in my bed. 

its a collection of my loudest thoughts, and reading them back has scared me

but ill continue to keep spilling, because what else could i do?

because i would hate for you to see me. 

i would hate for you to see me like this.

ill scream into a million pages 

until i have ink all over my lap.

this is only a lapse

that ive survived a million times before.