Reflecting

This past week has been just a whirlwind. Work has been a nightmare and I've been riding a mental health roller coaster outside of work as well. Finally talking to a therapist again has opened my eyes to so many things, and having outsider input from my boyfriend has enlightened me to what the root of my issues really is. When I was in 2nd grade, (I really don't remember many details) I experienced bullying for the first time. Not just from my peers, but from my teacher as well. From what I remember we were forced to copy words and definitions out of a dictionary onto paper, and would be disciplined if we didn't finish in a "timely manor". This teacher was unorthodox with discipline to say the least, and I have one memory of being pushed to the ground into a corner, and a clipboard thrown on top of me because I didn't finish my work fast enough. The only other memory I really have from that classroom was a kid being taken outside the classroom, and his face smooshed up against the window next to the door in a sort of backward chokehold because he talked back to the teacher. The cops visited my house once about the matter, asking me questions about the things that this teacher did to me and the other students, and I explained in the best detail an 8 year old could, so that hopefully he would stop. That's really all that I remember, besides remembering that this teacher was never removed from the classroom, and no action was ever taken against him. Experiencing that in such a detrimental stage of mental development I subsequently developed anxiety, depression, avoidant tendencies, and obviously PTSD. The fact that I had these issues at such a young age I was severely stigmatized, and I specifically remember being the butt of a lot of jokes in high school because I would just fall asleep on a dime at my desk because of the sedatives I was put on. Absolutely none of this medication worked other than numbing me enough to barely finish school, and the first time my parents thought it was a good idea to take me off medication I had breakdowns so severe I had to finish my senior year in night school. Since I only needed 1.5 credits to graduate after finishing my junior year, they basically just told me to show up once a week since I had my own transportation, they didn't want me interacting much with the kids who were only there because they were expelled, and barely any work to ever do, and when exam time came they basically gave me the answers so I'd pass. Everyone thought I dropped out so the only reason I chose to walk at graduation was to stick it to everyone who talked shit about my anxiety and thought I dropped out.

*throw some abusive relationships and a two year binge on amphetamines & MDMA in the meantime*

Fast forward: I'm almost 7 years sober, (minus an occasional couple drinks and medical cannabis) in a healthy and loving relationship, and finally ready to take life by the balls and follow my dreams. I STILL STRUGGLE with things like decision making, people pleasing, and some anxiety, and my boyfriend has been helping me straighten these out by being brutally (but very respectfully) honest with me about what needs to be addressed. I still try to protect myself as if I'm in an abusive relationship when I'm most definitely not. I'll flinch when I'm not expecting to be hugged, I'll say I'm sorry if I drop or spill something, and when my boyfriend asks me a question about something I want I spend more time asking him what he thinks would be a good idea than actually telling him what I want. Sometimes I even second guess myself talking about things I know a lot about because of some false sense of inadequacy. The first step in taking my life back, is identifying these things holding these imaginary strings.

I just realized how long this post is gonna be, so I'll wrap it up with this:

I've started reading a book called Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie and holy shit is it hitting nails on the head. I'm still just starting it but its so enlightening! I suggest anyone struggling to find self worth for any reason to read this book. I promise you won't be dissapointed!