2 am thoughts (life...)

The name for this entry is a little corny. Actually, it's kind of A LOT corny lol, but life...it's honestly so complicated and it's something that consumes my thoughts every day. It's a concept that feels so foreign but yet me living, me existing, it is my life and honestly, that's something that I seem to struggle with accepting. The way that that was worded may sound confusing or concerning but it is the only way I can put my feelings into word form. I feel like the life I live is so, so, so unfulfilling. I often find myself hating the life I live not being content with the state of my current life etc, etc. It's like a feeling of emptiness, yes, that's the perfect way to describe it. Emptiness. But the reason why this feeling is so different, so confusing is because of its circumstances, I've been lonely before. I've genuinely felt like I had nobody before, I've felt so empty inside that the feeling was so overwhelming I couldn't handle my own existence anymore, but at the time that feeling was valid. I genuinely was alone, I genuinely was empty, and was literally numb to my own emotions, but now I'm not. I finally have the friendship that I've always wanted, someone who I can confide in about anything, my person. I love my family and those around me and I've matured and grown SO much since those moments when my emptiness consumed my existence but I still don't feel happy and maybe it's because I need to let myself be happy but what's holding me back is that I'm not happy with my life. I'm not content with it. I see so much more for myself than what I am, and maybe that's the problem if you'd ask the younger me what she'd be like at 17 I would've never in a million years pictured this. I hold myself to her pedestal the way she wanted to live the way she dreamed she'd be, and I am simply, not that. I can understand that life is so complex, it has its ups and it's downs but "the carousel never stops turning" Life isn't waiting for you to catch up to reality so my goal for 17 is to live my life the way I truly want to, don't let what people may think of me stop me from doing what makes me happy or what I think is best for me. Even if the life I'd once envisioned for myself isn't my reality I can work towards my goals and one day maybe it will be. 

anyways just my 2 am thoughts.

gn spacehey :)