finding a sense of belonging: improv club edition

tonight i saw an improv show in front of my university's beloved mascot statue. think pitch perfect riff-off if it was about a bunch of overly enthusiastic theater kids. i fucking loved it. 

it was this festoon of every hot queer 20-something on campus packed tight onto a damp lawn to watch a bunch of other 20-somethings fuck around in front of a statue for an hour. the energy was singed at the edges with weed smoke and breath that smelled like one drink too many. everyone knew everyone, and i knew no one but the other freshman who decided to tag along with me. people embraced and screamed and kissed and reveled in the fact that this was what they would look back on as their good old days. 

i wanted to steep myself in it like a photograph in a dark room. let the image that becomes clear be  one of me among these thespians like i belong with them. 

that's such a dangerous feeling: the desperation for belonging. it drives people to do crazy things, things that they never could've pictured themselves doing when they still had the comfort of the people they loved around them. but i don't have a place to belong anymore. the people i love are scattered across the state, now, all experiencing what it feels like to be alone again. it makes me wonder just how far i'll go to fit in with this older, more careless crowd of people. probably pretty far. 

after the show wrapped up, everyone headed off to a house party. one that the freshman specifically hadn't been made aware of. fair enough. i wouldn't have known what to do with myself anyway. lord knows that the very last place i belong is a fucking college house party. but i still found myself thinking that i was missing out on some sort of cosmic experience. like being crammed into a room of crossfaded fake-adults is something that i should want to have. 

whatever. i'm auditioning for the improv group tomorrow morning. i feel weird about it. i don't know any of these people, but everybody knows everyone else. i feel like people will wonder why i'm there. some stupid fresh faced kid who's so desperate to fit in that he'll do anything just for the thought that people might end up liking him.

wish me luck.