vent???? 🤷‍♀️

TW:MENTION OF DEATH AND SU!C!DE

Hey. Things have been pretty rough lately. My favorite cousin recently took his own life. I was up in Pennsylvania (I live in Virginia) to see my aunt (his mom) and my other cousin (his slightly younger sister) and the funeral was Thursday the 31st of August. We went up on Sunday and left Friday morning (today). We stayed with my grandma who lives about 5-10 minutes away from my aunt. I've have no motivation to really do anything besides eat and watch TV. I also do lots of theatre and Musical theatre, and usually get leads or co-leads. I auditioned for Beauty and the Beast recently and got callbacks for Mrs.Potts, Babette, and Madame Delegrande Bouche. I ended up getting a narrator, but I'm not really upset about that because I'm focused on other more upsetting things. Of Course it's upsetting and not the role I was hoping for, but I'm sure you understand. I feel  like callbacks were also a little harder than usual, because they were two days after my audition and I found out about my cousin when I got home from auditions. The day after the funeral is hitting so god damn hard. All week I was getting ready for the Funeral, hanging out with my grandma and my other cousin, going hiking with my aunt and other cousin(My cousin that is no longer with us always wanted to do that hike and he was supposed to do it that day, but now he is gone), getting food for after the funeral, preparing the food, going out to eat with my aunt/cousin, ect. Now that the funeral was yesterday, I have nothing else to do or look forward to or focus on. I have nothing else to do except for cry about it and nap. Considering I don't even have motivation to do anything else. Sometimes I like to talk to him a little, because maybe he is listening and can hear/see me. Maybe he is next to me also watching the old videos the three of us made together. Maybe he is hearing me cry and wanting me to be happier. I also listened to his favorite songs a little earlier, but I broke down. I always felt like we were the closest and he understood me best. I wish he could've seen himself the way I see him. I miss and love him so much. I always will. I wish he was still here. I wish he didn't feel like this was the only way out. I'm so glad I was lucky enough to be born into the same family as him. I'm not sure where I would be without him, and I'm not sure where I'll go now that he's gone. There is so much more to say, but I'm getting all emotional and can just tell him on his free time instead of typing it out. I'm also trying to not give away any information about how everything went down and such. Have a nice day if you read this. And thank you for taking the time to read this all and care about me and what I'm going through. <3