being good is hard

Being me is exhausting, having the things I have is exhausting. I hate my mental illnesses for making it so hard to be good person, Having no empathy and that shit makes life so difficult. The guilt and shame of not caring, the mood swings, the hatred and anger for people who my dumb brain deem as "abandoning" or "one-upping" me. I try to be kind and compassionate, I really do, but god it's so exhausting. The thoughts and feelings, everything, I'm so tired of trying to be a good person and no one recognizes it. No "I'm proud" no, "good job for listening to people's problems!" nothing. I'm trying my best and no one cares and it pisses me off. constantly pretending like I'm not...better than people, even though evidence shows otherwise. the need to control everything so that It goes according to plan, so that everyone can see that I and only I can do what needs to be done. But doing everything is exhausting, I just want to let go of my responsibilities, but no one else does them how they need to be done. I hate group projects. The other people aren't doing it right. Cant they see that? it's not right it needs to be done right it needs to be done my way i know exactly how it needs to be done just let me take over and do it correctly. But then I have too much on my plate and I can't think and can't focus on what needs to be done. It's so tiring. At least i've got games where I can be perfect and amazing at things. The best healer, the best builder, the most helpful and kindest player people know. I'm going off for now, I have to return to class.