a year since

ah,

a new day, a new week, a new month, and oh my goodness it has already been a year since!

every new day has already started, every new week has already ended, and every year has already passed me by.

it feels like that sometimes. catching up with something that cant be caught. nor will it ever let you catch it. which makes me think of a lyric from a coldplay song: ''all you ever wanted was love, but you never looked hard enough, its never gonna give itself up''. (song: low)

i started to learn how to hand sew again. as a young girl i learned how to, but never seemed to progress in or find any joy in it. i remember wanting to dress up my dolls with handmade clothes after watching this cool youtube video from a channel called myfroggystuff, which made doll houses and clothes all from scratch or hobby shop suplies. i learned quickly that my imagination would just have to do. being creative has always been something i was good at, but keeping ideas in my head for long, long perods of time will leave me feeling stuck. i get in my head, and i never show myself how things are done, even when i am fully capable.

my journey now is to do what i know i can even when that means to start again, or start over and over again. feeling accomplished in someting you did yourself can feel so absolutely magnificent! so why not do it? i have surpassed a certain guilt over selfishness that i have felt for so long. it kept me from being great. or simply - my best self.

feeling guilty over being good at something or even just interested with an open mind, and then also having the resources to follow up on said interests does not always play out well with people who envy, or are jealous of you. what makes this hard is when said people are those whom you considered friends or family.

how do you get out of something like that? 

i honestly would not have known if it wasnt for my inability to care about others because of my own pain. it took a horrible 9 months of my life + one major traumatic event to show me on which side these people would show up for me and, sadly, they weren't on mine.

'im waiting on them. our boats about to leave. im waiting on the dock where we arranged to meet. will they be on time? or am i maybe on the wrong side? i thought it was a given that we'd all be here, where i am now waiting on them to show. is that them? i see their coats and coloured hair all packing cases walking up those stairs, of a boat thats on the other shore, and i thought that i was sure that theyd be here on time. what a fool i am to think that they could ever see me when im behind.'

i thought it would feel lonely, doing things i liked. being good at things i liked, and doing them alone. but i was lonely because i wasnt doing these things alone. i wasnt doing them at all. i was waiting on people when i was already there. ready to go.

thanks for reading :)

love,

Rose