01/09/23 -Two Weeks in School + Do I have narcolepsy??-

My School started two weeks ago:

here's my update how I have been feeling, and what's going on.
On my first day I was late.. It was kinda embarrassing, I didn't know where to go and we didn't even have like an introduction or have home classes or anything, everyone just got straight to work.. 

I should have got my books from the school library before my first day and I had a day planned for that, but my dad decided to visit me that day so I didn't go get them. I had also promised my friend to hang out with him after getting the books and eat lunch together so that was that. I had to get them now, on my first day, because I thought everyone else would already have their books and I didn't want to go to class without mine. So I got my books and tried to kinda ask the librarian where my class could be, I guess she just didn't understand what I was trying and ignored it..

Good thing I remembered what my teacher had told me on our meeting a week before when I got my schedule.. She had said that the classroom number tells which floor it is on. I was too embarrassed to go look for my first class (I was half an hour late) so I just went to look for my second class (mind you I only HAD TWO CLASSES THAT DAY. I found it and it was English.. There were actually like 30 students in that class and every time I go it's a struggle to find a seat.

On our first day we were already put to work with pairs and I was with some girl who sat next to me and asked me to work with her. I guess she kinda tried to make small talk with me and ask me if this was my first year but I just answered yes and we never talked again..

In fact I have been working with at least one person every day and I haven't made a single friend during these two weeks. It's insane how good I am at dodging all the smalltalk questions anyone's been trying to ask me. (They usually give up after the first question tbh)..

At first it was just fine, I thought I didn't need to hurry and you could count with one hand all the friengroups in my school, everyone was just there to work and go home.

But now I'm starting to see people have friends from different classes come to talk with them during the day and I'm starting to feel like a social reject..

All hope isn't gone tho, there's a girl I see on the hallways who looks like she wants to talk to me.. I'm too shy to say anything first so uhh we'll just see how this goes..

ALSO: an event organized by the school is coming up, it's about people getting to know each other and get friends from school, and building the school spirit. I'm sorry I have no idea what the event is called in English but it's next Thursday in a park near my school. I'm a bit scared but I plan on going, in hopes of making at least one friend from my school.

Random sidenote: My school is so big it took me 4 days in there to find the cafeteria and it's like some random restaurant in the same building as my school 💀💀.. 

It has also been raining lately and I've been wearing flip flops to school, for some reason..

+ I actually had an hallway crush who goes to my English class and we even sat next to each other in one class and kinda talked (only related to the schoolwork tho..) and I accidentally dropped my pen under their chair and they picked it up for me.. OMG

BUT... 

My hallway crush has already made two friends from my class and I heard them talking on Wednesday and the friend was trying to guess my hallway crushes age, I had already hear them say they were over 20 before..

But Today my Hallway crush revealed their actual age to the friend..

MY HALLWAY CRUSH TURNED OUT TO BE 32 YEARS OLD!!!!!!?????

!!!!!!!!??????????

I mean maybe.. If someone told me they were that age BEFORE I saw them for the first time I would have believed it but OH MY GOD... 💀💀💀!!!?????????

WELL I QUCKLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT HALLWAY CRUSH AND NOW I HAVE NOTHING IN SCHOOL GOING ON FOR ME, ONCE AGAIN!!

I also started a new job: My last straw was when I had to look at some old person spitting in a nasty ass smelling cup everyday and wash it. 

Don't get me wrong I did care about my patients a lot and I still do, but I couldn't take it anymore..

INSTEAD I STARTED WORKING IN A DAYCARE!!!!! with kids.. who climb on me and scream like a bunch of monkeys every second!..

I'm not sure yet if this was a bad decision or not

anyone who has only worked with kids would probably say it was.. But I honestly think my job got a lot more easier when I'm not lifting adults two times my size everyday.

Also super random health update: ...I have started suspecting I might have narcolepsy, I hope I don't and I'm trying to hopefully find out it's just something else, maybe I'm just lazy but these are the symptoms I have now: 

It started a while (could be more than a year) ago when I had a new medication in test. The same thing has happened in my country before with a bad batch of vaccines giving people narcolepsy some years ago. But it was supposed to help me concentrate in school and instead I would fall asleep without having any control over it, I could not stay awake for the life of mine. 

I told about it to my mom and we decided together that I should stop using the medication, but the symptoms didn't go away..

I'll try to put it in words what it feels like; It starts with a feeling like "Oh it would be nice to lay my head down rn" in a random situation, even if I don't feel relaxed at ALL and IN A SECOND it goes to me being in the brink of falling asleep and not having like any control over my head that is forcing me to close my eyes. I always try my best to stay awake but it's actually impossible.. Sometimes I just feel normal like right now I am not sleepy at all while writing this.

The reason why I feel like I'm imagining this and it's not that serious: It has never happened when I am on the move (well except once when I was riding a bike home from work) and it just feels too???? idk I don't know the word for it like...?? It pretty much always happens when I'm sitting down in school, public transportation, at home, at work, etc.

I have talked online with one person who got narcolepsy from the vaccine as a 15 year old and they said it happens to them in similar situations (without medication).

I used to have medical help before and they wouldn't tell me what was wrong with me (not this but a different thing, I have had psychotic episodes since I was 12) because they were so certain that I just had ADHD and seasonal depression. I tried to come up with ideas for them by myself what I could have and they dismissed my ideas every time and made me feel like I was faking an illness that I didn't have. I cut all contact with them and never found any answers and now I feel super against getting medical help because what if I'm just lazy and think I have this rare disease ???

idk really what I should even do about it. I mean obviously I should see a doctor but I don't really wanna pay for that.