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I am so so sorry for publicly commenting this. I could not DM you.

Hello. I'm sure that you'll probably see this months later, or possibly never even see this - but I've decided it's been long enough without any explanation for why I left, and all of the things I have done without realizing how serious they were. Yes, this is Vincent. It's been two birthdays now since I've left you and the rest, and I've mentally matured enough to tell you my feelings, to explain myself, everything. I want to start from since we met all the way back then, and all the way to now. I don't expect any forgiveness, I don't expect to be friends again - although recently I have been wishing to return, I know it'd be an asshole move considering I've been gone for almost two years now - and I especially do not expect you to fully understand how truly sorry I am. I want to start with that instead, actually - I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for being so immature back then, but I was only 11 when I met you all, and I left when I was 13. I wasn't prepared for how much things would fuck me up.

Starting in 2021 - before I met you guys, before mal made that server, she told me something and my boyfriend. What was that? Well, it was along the lines of, "you probably have DID". Now I know you're thinking, "no fucking way", but, yes fucking way. Back then, I was a very lonely child, school had just started after quarantine, and overall - I was chronically online and easily swayed with words from people I liked. (Which yes, before the server mal and I were friends because I didn't know how much of a pos she was) I believed her - and I found myself swallowed by that idea, that I had people who were with me all the time, all in my head, and I wanted it so badly to be real. I talked to myself - made scenarios and believed they were real, and I vividly remember talking to myself on the walk home from school in sixth grade because for me, it *had* to be real. Because if it wasn't - nobody would be there for me, or truly understand what I was thinking. The thought of that made younger me so sick. And I am aware of how far I let that take me, how far I went for it to be real for it to be a *part* of me that people would support. It's fucked up, tremendously so. And I am so terribly sorry for keeping that lie up even when I didn't believe it anymore, because it was much too late for me to go back on my words. I couldn't just go - "Oh, my entire system fused! I'm the only one left now!" - because that would just be pure bullshit. I never had it, and all that whole thing was - was a desperate need for some sort of special attention. And I know that this will probably be impossible to hear from me, to you, because we bonded over that, truly. When in the end it was just... a lie. And I'll be honest, my parents have neglected me for so so long, and it has led me to do so many things that were so *wrong.* That was one of them.

The second thing - I'm skipping towards this one because once again, it was another shitty impulsive lie that I needed to be real. I don't know if any of you had suspicions - especially Jasper, or Kobra from what I could find out - but I never really knew Croatian. That was just me wanting so desperately to connect on a deeper level with the people I loved so much - because if I couldn't grow closer, it felt like I wasn't enough to be "a part" of the group. I am aware of how serious these two lies are, and the impact they have had. I do not expect you to forgive them or even believe they're lies. But I still want you to know, I was young, I was desperate and I was terribly delusional and lonely. You guys were the only ones I had in my life back then, and I was so so greedy with the thing I wanted the most. Understanding.

Moving on from those two bombs that I've just dropped, I want to personally apologize to you, Clyde.

I know that when I left, it crushed you. When I read those messages you sent me - the ones I've never responded to - I was devastated. I bawled my eyes out, and for the next couple days I even tried to figure out how to respond, how to *save* things, but I ended up being too cowardly to even face what I had done. Ever since then, and I *mean* that, I have felt so guilty for leaving. I don't know if you still even want to hear this from me, but I have never stopped being in love with you - at least a part of me believes that. In the deepest part of my heart, I truly believe you were my first love. Never before had I ever felt romantic attraction - but you were different, you *are* different, and a part of me is still so mad that I still harbor these useless feelings. I never wanted to hurt you like this, never ever wanted to leave after just falling in love - but I realized how bad my mental was getting.

Which, that leads to my genuine explanation for why I left.

To tell you the truth, I was scared of myself. Of what I was becoming, of what I was turning into. And, of course, the guilt eating away at me for the two lies I had forced everyone - including myself - to believe had grown too painful. The moment I decided I had to leave was when Jasper (or Kobra, I really don't know which one to use) was showing me a documentary of her favorite school shooter - yes, Adam Lanza - and I found myself genuinely on the side of the school shooter, I understood him, and even empathized with him. That was the moment I realized that if I didn't leave then, I'd be shooting up a school myself right now. And I am so sorry that that singular thing was enough for me to just... run away, and practically betray all of you.

To be honest, I'm not in the greatest mental state right now at all. That's probably the reason I'm here explaining myself, in the subconscious hope that you will understand and we can reconnect - but I know that that is too much to ask of you after I have just come clean about everything. I've wanted to tell you this for so long, and now that I am... well, as I'm typing this message out, it feels terribly bittersweet. I just want you to know, I have never hated you all, no matter the amount of times I wanted to convince myself that I did back then. I've come to accept that you were all a part of my life - and although I was a terrible fucked up immature piece of shit kid back then, you all were still so important to me. You still are. You always *have* been.

Thank you for being my friend, Clyde, and I am sorry. Both for still being in love with you, and for being so immature. Tell Zhongli I'm sorry too, if he's still around. If any of this sounds selfish, I apologize for that too. I'm just trying to voice my feelings that have built up for nearly two years.

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