xXx RANTING AHEAD xXx

August 29th, 2023; Tuesday

Life currently is shit for myself & my partner right now. Most people our ages are still living with their parents or family members. Before I lived with my partner & her mother, I was living in another city, going to college & living in a four bedroom apartment with three other people attending the same college. I ended up moving in with my partner & her mother after a year & a half of living with the others because my living situation became unsafe for me. I was working nonstop, so I ended up having to dropout of college. I am both glad to of dropped out yet also unsatisfied with the decision. All due to the way the education system in America is designed to fail those whom are not considered "normal" & due to jobs wanting those to have a college degree for something as simple (yet physically & mentally taxing) as a fast food service job. It is ridiculous!

I had to stop working since 2021 due to my disabilities. I physically cannot work & so my life has become stressful & stagnant. I am both looking for jobs in my area every single day! Yet I either get nothing back, get a "sorry you don't fit our team & we won't be hiring you" because I always include that I'll need certain things (like a chair or certain help) when applying. These companies, if hired, are supposed to help you with said stuff especially if one is disabled. Though it's legally required, companies ignore that & get around it every. fucking. day. It is horrendous! Anyways, besides still trying to find a job that'll take my disabled fucked up ass, I have been trying to get on disability since I am so un-hirable & due to not being able to live or take care of myself on my own. My partner helps when she can, but she would also be considered a care taker since she helps me with so much of my problems. I've had doctors from all over my state say things such as "we cannot help you" or "you really shouldn't be working due to your disabilities & should be helped by government assistance". Some doctors are helpful, others, and mainly, are not & are strictly looking for a quick buck. Some are also very LGBTQIA+ Phobic, yet hide that until it comes to "oh no. so sorry but we can't help with that/I don't want to run tests on that". Dude. It is your job to run tests on someone, especially who is in so much pain every day & cannot take care of themselves BY THEMSELVES!!! THE FUCK?!!!?!?!?!? Oh! My partner helps drive me everywhere, buy food, get in & out of the: car, bed, shower, house; & up from the floor due to my LifeAlert types of falls, the couch and other things. I use mobility aids such a cane, wheelchair, walker & those electric buggies you can ride for grocery shopping at stores. I use these not because 'Oh! Surely someone will pity me or believe I am clearly faking it!" NO!! It is because I NEED to use those things to survive & do things for myself!! I absolutely HATE that I have to use those things because of all the stares, snide comments and dirty looks I get from those around me. I've been manhandled by drunks messing with my wheelchair or my cane. I've been given dirty looks by old people & white men who want to touch up on me or my mobility aids. This is all so harmful & frustrating!! This existence is so stressful, painful & frustrating!!! Makes me want to cry every. single. day. My pain is so unbearable at more times than I could count on my hand that I physically cannot move out of bed or even sit up. I am stuck living in a Hell that I never asked for. I have been denied twice from disability due to "not meeting their criteria" EVEN THOUGH THEIR OWN DOCTORS THAT CHECKED ME OUT/HAD TO SEE SAID/NOTED HOW I SHOULDN'T BE WORKING & NEED TO BE ON DISABILITY???? IT'S SUCH BULLSHIT THE WAY AMERICA'S GOVERNMENT WORKS AGAINST ITS OWN PEOPLE!!!!! FUCKIN' HELL!!!

An so many doctors have said "This shouldn't be happening to you. You are so young' :( THEN PROCEED TO DENY ME THE ABILITY TO HAVE TESTS RUN ON ME TO SEE WHAT IS CAUSING MY DISABILITIES???? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE DAMNIT!!!! 

BEING TRANSGENDER

Life keeps knocking me down. In 2021 until 2022, I was able to have been on HRT (testosterone) for about a year. I was also able to get a hysterectomy (due to medical reasons, but still was nice to have gotten), see a therapist who diagnosed me with ADHD, OCD, Depression (forgotten what type), Anxiety (again, forgotten the type) & PTSD. (Or was it C-PTSD?) Either way, very awful PTSD & dysphoria. I was supposed to get tested for autism, but my healthcare ran out before that appointment got to happen. Which sucks because I really wish to continue with HRT & eventually get top surgery. 

I live in not just the deep south, but a very VERY transphobic & bigoted household due to having to live with my partners mother. :/ I might get into it in another blog later, or I might not. I don't know yet. My partner & I both are suffering because of this shitty household, her family, the State & lack of a job currently. No one is hiring either of us. She graduated her trade school college a couple years ago. Yet the car industry is hard to get into & is, well, very bigoted & gets away with it especially down here in the south. It's sickening.

I just want us happy & living as our authentic selves without being fearful of our lives & safety. :(

I would like to have a flat chest, covered in tattoos & piercings. To be able to have full facial hair & maybe a little bit taller. I don't mind being a short dude, but Jesus fucking Christ being short sucks!! I have very patchy facial hair that really doesn't do me any good. Having a somewhat masculine, yet baggy, wardrobe is nice. Though it's not the style I prefer for myself. 

No one uses my name nor my pronouns. My own girlfriend is awful with using them too. Makes me feel like shit everyday. I've gotten more & more depressed recently & extremely on edge & anxious. Gaining weight, losing what little sleep I already barely get due to my sleep insomnia, not being able to afford anything, not being able to survive. Wish someone would end my life for me. I cannot do it myself due to always being watched. It sucks....