some of my poetry!!

the frigid embrace of the biting cold 

------

My hands are freezing, my mind, a static screen,

I grip my pencil tighter, write another line,

The graphite breaks in two, and I smile knowingly,

The sparks of creativity ignite a tiny fire, the flickering of the achingly slow flames dance around my fingers, burning me up,

The flames don't hurt they welcome me, a tear it trickles down, they hit the flames, they fizzle out 'fore we start again.

This poem won't stop writing itself, the words are clearly printed, so why won't they stay on the page,

They keep circling around me, they chuckle as I try to grasp the fleeting letters and sounds, 

They fizzle and shout, leaving me with nothing but ink on my mouth.

I haven't heard the hurricane, but I can see the churning, the waves they are coming to sweep us all away.

---

2)

(Btw there are *mini* titles in this poem)

Starry skies and solemn gazes

All I see around me are stars,

Shining sparkling souls, glimmering,

And I watch from the ground, wandering around,

The moonlight gracing my darkened face,

As i fall from grace, so don’t wait for me to fly up high,

When i was a child, i used to look down from the sky,

And see all the people walk in fascination at our glamour,

But now i understand the feeling of looking high, 

even though i’m lower than the grass and dirt under me,

But i watch you shine and bid you adieu, wanting for more,

sometimes looking back up looks like a chore

When the ground just wants to swallow me whole,

so shine for the ones who can’t

Lost the ability to be a flaming star, so don’t go too far,

Singing a song only i know, a humming little bird,

Too weak to fly and too weak to chirp

The nest is empty and feathers gone,

Waiting for a person who doesn’t even sing the same song.

For in your light, I find solace and hope,

And I try to cope, but it digs me deeper in my despair,

a hole dug by a hopeless little girl, searching for diamonds in the soil, all she finds are pebbles and dust,

So, fly my dear, fly up high,

For my love is everlasting like a dream

One where i am the shadow that follows you with glee

But perhaps mercy is not for me

a simple soul too soft to hold, slipping through the cracks and feeling alone

But you, you my dear, are the stars that burn so high, the idol that captures my eyes,

In this vast universe, I'm just a speck,

Lost in space, my voice echoes faintly,

and I called out, but nobody could hear,

you are the one i wish for success, for the ones who cannot even fly, so my dear, please,

Listen once maybe just for me,

Shine like the stars aflame, burn with passion and grace,

A fervor that cannot be tamed, 

So shine, fly and tame the stars, 

Fly and swoop across the big blue sky,

I try not to tear my jeans when i look above,

I try not to scrape my knees, trying to reach the stars,

The bark burning my skin, but that’s fine, i see the twilight smiling down at you,

And all i wish is for you to be happy

Like a bird who sings songs of freedom,

Cutting wells of dreams

And hopeful gains

The nest is empty, you all learned to fly, 

The little bird stays at home and…

In your eyes i am just a child

And perhaps i am a child

And perhaps my heart is too fragile,

And maybe you’re all waiting for me to fly

With my clipped wings and weak bones

A beak who chirps songs of love,

No return ever comes back to me,

But maybe all you need is time,

And perhaps i just care too much,

So shine above and burn with passion 

Glow, glow, glow, for the ones who wish they never show

I see you shining with your hopeful gleam,

So stay up high, for the ones who cannot try.

Because a little birdie told me, a cry baby couldn’t fly today,

Dropping from high up, plummeting down, reaching the ground,

Passing through air, and saying goodbye.

--

the school bell rings, and you’re a child again. you’re back.

---

sometimes i wonder if i am already dead

because life feels nothing short of a bad dream

and i feel like i’m not even here

my body feels like it’s unreal

maybe i’m nothing more than a character in a game

sometimes i feel lighter than air, but my mind heavy with guilt

what if i left so far away and never showed up at your door,

and ran away so far and never coped,

you are everything and so much more,

so why should i stay, i'm such a bore, me being there must be a chore,

i want to leave this earth and choke on the stars

i want to inhale the scent of space

my heart quivers at the sight of my face

and i feel like i might vomit at the way

my mind is clouded with dark, dark things

oh I feel so bad, oh I feel so blue, but i ever wanted was to be there with yo-

but all i want is to be you someday

And yet when i speak i feel my brain starting to disintegrate

my stomach churns, roiling inside,

asking myself "maybe i wasn’t meant to be."

maybe if i try, and start to fly

Into the vast emptiness of my mind

Maybe then i will disappear 

And maybe you’ll be happier here,

I am the chain that holds you back

I am the crick in your back, 

I am the reason why humanity is cursed

I am worthless even dirt has a price tag,

Stuck with reminders that i’m still real and i can’t ever leave this nightmarish dream,

But if i leave 

And my soul flies to the everafter

I’ll begin to regret

A horrid person 

With a horrid book

And if i wake up

I will most probably 

Be burning

I wish for the peace of being another

But i want to escape the clutches of reality

So i try to escape

And yet i cannot stay

In my dreams i only see red, red, red

And i start to scream, in my head,

All i see red red red,

Dripping from the hole inside of my heart

The wallowing grace of ungratefulness

of an infinitely grateful child

blessed with mercy and cursed unlike the rest.

so if my words start to spill,  

and maybe if I become more ill,

if the words begin to slip,

i'll surely give them the slip,

for i'd very much like to watch myself cry

suffer in the screams that i hear

agonizing pain i deserve

and i dream of the pain in my mind

not that happiness evades my grasp, but it feels like it'll never last, and the emptiness is swallowing me up whole

 i want to fall into the clutches of despair

let go of reality and hear the crack of dawn

as the pain rings through my ears

and i fall, crimson painting my knees,

my thighs are no more, my limbs torn and ripped,

all i wanted was to feel 

to feel you, intertwined

inside my flesh there is a squirming

a squiggle of faith and maybe i will seem pretty

when my skin is changed and replaced

and maybe when i tear out all my flaws

in the mirror, my face clawn off,

a mesmerizing sight of my own gore and blight,

one of burning, churning, red and need,

of muscles twitching, pulsing, alive

of broken veins and tendons torn,

so when i see the blood spill out, the rush in my mind-

oh how you sparkle and shine, (as if you were divine)

i close my eyes and sigh

“i wish i could be as cool as you”

but sadly, that isn't true. 

(so hurry before i ruin you too.)

---

take me far away from here, a spinning globe inside a lopsided universe, wonder what is straight and what is misaligned.

-

rip out my limbs before i break them myself,

searching for reason, searching for why,

why i ponder nonsensical things,

no rhythm in my empty yet full head.

purging the virus in my mind

is too hard for me to do

so i decide to tear my flaws right out and i cry in agony,

after all, won't my story will stop eventually?

I wonder why we lie about the truth

"how cruel, how cruel! how unfair and cruel!" 

but the world isn’t cruel the only cruel one is you

the ink stains my fingers when i write my poems,

words that have no meaning, seem beautiful when i lay in my bed,

the empty stare of a picture,

the smell of a newly bought book,

the feeling of sitting

all by yourself

my poetry is bland,

no color or feeling,

repetition of emotion, repetition of the mind,

sadness, bleak and bad,

terrible and sad

my poetry speaks volumes of how i am truly, simple

sad.

a sad excuse of a human,

a sad little girl

and a sorry little story,

and a sad little song.

see me as who I truly am, a monster, nothing more, nothing less,

no good to be found inside me,

all i am is a mess

a person with no purpose

a watcher from the side

but i will stay and listen

yet i will stay and listen

i want to wash away your worries

and be the one who helps you heal, survive, live life the way you were meant to

but someday, i know you’ll leave

to someone better, and it’s fine i tell myself,

the salty spray is bitter and cold,

i didn’t deserve you anyways,

a tool to be used a stool to be stepped on,

all i am is a tool to be used a stool to be stepped on,

a carpet that has no purpose but to clean up your mess, a rug to be walked on, your pencil during a test

you all are so much better, but i will always be inferior, so don’t call me pretty,

please just use me to be happier

please just tell me i’m good

and hold me tight tight tight before i slip through the cracks,

and cry and i’ll never get up and cry cry cry cry

god, i can't take the pain of my breaking heart

yet i sew it back and you pull it apart

please all i want is you to love me

all i need is for you not to hate me

loathing, loving, hating, despising, 

all the same in my book

i'd rather be hated and bullied than

being alone

again

the cold frigid hands of isolation

like the snow that falls anew (and decomposing sinew)

like the rain drops on the leaves, (and a gentle breeze)

i sit under a tree

waiting for the rain to stop

yet under the cover of branches and vines

i am drenched from the falling droplets

(why does it rain?)

(why won't it stop?)

i am truly nothing more

than a lonely girl

ever since i was born

i was faulty since birth

see, even everyone agrees (can't you hear them, can't you see?)

see how they whisper about

the girl who cannot shout

or else the people will come about,

throw their insults and stones

for words hurt the way their hands do

but you already knew that, didn't you?

i see the sun set and i watch in awe

hours, days and years

in my room

i cannot leave, my mind begs me to stay

don't leave, please, don't go,

they'll only ruin you, oh-

i wish i was like

all the other girls

perfect and passionate

simple yet great

my words begin to slip off of the page

i am back again

the yelling has only begun

i am back in my skin

my body is small

i sit in the corner

near the wall

i am young again

innocent and curious

gullible and naive

wanting for the best

and getting the worst

yet even with my pitiful persona

i still don't give myself the patience i give to the others

even this poem, one that goes on for eternity

is a pathetic excuse of literature,

with no rhyme or reason,

with poor explanation, and poor writing,

please don't go

don't leave me in here again

in this classroom of ghosts

i am against the wall

and i am young again

i can feel their piercing gazes

and their swift tongues

like arrows in my back,

i wonder if i am normal 

and the shadows mock me

i wish for silence and the sound of love once again

---

classroom show and tell, the solar system knows you very well. so speak louder, the class is waiting for a reply.

i rock in my shoes

my dress is tight against my body

clinging 

similar to me

clinging to hope, the possibly of acceptance,

i wonder if the moon envies the sun

the sun, adored, and loved

bringing life and lavish crops to humankind

the moon the carrier of gloom

i wonder if the moon wishes it was as bright as the burning sun

and i wonder

if the moon feels

lonely too.

---

make you glow in the summertime, luminate the autumn under the falling leaves

i just want to be the one who makes you smile,

i want to make you happy,

to keep you in my arms, and hold you close,

to keep you safe tonight,

i want to help you feel,

emotions that are real,

but now i am the only one,

feeling like the truth is despicable to me,

and perhaps lying is the best antidote to cure the burning hurt

maybe i’m not the one to be saved,

i’ll be your saviour and help you turn a page,

let me go when you finish using me up

i'll give you all you need, my body, mind and brain, 

so hang me out in the rain

to dry off the shame, guilt and the pain,

a useless freak with nothing else to do,

a lazy girl with issues and faults

a cry baby who hates it all

an ungrateful little girl who never learned to cope

so be the one who drinks up the medicine i give you

just use me until i bleed dry 

and throw me out

whenever i start feeling lonely,

so be the one who decides to leave, and let me be the one who is left behind, forever to grieve.

because in the end, the only one who truly hates me, is me.

----

valentines cards that flutter to the ground, empty, no one is to be found, so i cradle the moon lovingly, forever, as time ticks endlessly.

-

please.

love me.

i don't deserve your gaze

interlocking with my face

but the clang of my jacket on the floor

metal scr ee ching across the ground

and the silence of sitting in the principal's office

an oddly nostalgic experience

one of dread, a static head,

sitting idly in place, waiting for recompense,

one that'll never yield results for me

in the lunchroom , chattering children around me

the shadow of a friend fleets away, teasingly,

yet the room feel empty and cold

my lunch lands on my knees,

and the children laugh at me,

loud and shrill,

curling into myself stressed and in distress,

louder, louder still, (it's fine, it's alright, my emotions and encompassing night)

it's fine, it's fine, (don't cry, don't cry,)

because, i would laugh at me too,

(I sit under children, while they play,)

(under metal, with rocks, and play my games)

(rocks and sand, my toys and friends,)

(my shadow, myself, my sole acquaintances till the end)

i am just a child

an outsider, a wandering gypsy of sorts,

outcast from the classroom

shunned by the like

talking too loud, annoying little child

no matter, she doesn't know,

she doesn't know the truth

of the world, young and sly,

comi

ng closer to the edge

of the universe, i see the end and i cry

i wonder if the moon feels lonely too.

because i understand and feel it too

so moonlit sky hold my hand and i’ll let you cry

take my hand and float away

sobbing, tidal waves rocking back and forth,

i hold the moon, cradling it softly, whispering sweet words in its ear,

pity the people who hate the night sky, so clear.

sometimes i wonder if the moon feels lonely too.

---

3)

TW( sh)

I think I'm falling, and when we hit the ground, I'll be dead the minute my body touches the floor, shatter my bones 'cause I don't know why my heart is shattered.

---

Was being your friend a mistake?

Were the steps I took too much for my heart to take?

You said we went too fast, we should be friends again,

But why is my heart in pain? You didn't say no, but you closed the door,

I asked if you felt the pain, you nodded and I asked if you were okay, and you said you don't wanna talk anyways,

Was my love a mistake, too many steps I didn't take,

Shatter my love, break me into two, wanna leave you,

I wanna freaking kill you, so why, why am I so sad?

Why do I feel so freaking bad? 

...

That was too much.

That was too much.

That-That was too much.

That was too much.

Was I too much? Was I too much?

Leave me alone, you left me to die, and I wanna beat you up,

Wanted to keep all we had, why'd we stop, why'd the pain hurt like hell?

They said love was a blessing, well that crap's wrong, never, never again.

I was too, too young, close my heart, build me up 'fore we break you-you down.

I think I'm falling, and when we hit the ground, I'll be dead the minute my body touches the floor, shatter my bones 'cause I don't know why my heart is shattered.

---

Relapse

-

Crying, the tears of my loving, my hatred burns, I just wanted-

Just wanna be safe, leave me on this dirty, filthy floor,

With the broken toilet, embarrassing myself on the cold stage,

Leave me with my broken heart as I pick up the shards, and they said-

"Never, never deserved, never deserved,"

"Love that was given yet never earned"

"You gave nothing but took his all,"

"Lose yourself, go and fall"

I want to take- wanna make-

Sharp, biting, burning, darn it!

I'm sick, ill in the mind, purge me, erase my face,

Wipe the blood, clot it 'fore they blot,

And we must say again...

"You tried, tried."

"You died, waiting for love that was, extractred, redacted, turn your music up, make you lose your thoughts,"

I'm about to relapse, take me, give me another chance, 

Leave this world, make him feel,

Razor blades were taken, I'm shaking so hard,

Hey, why'd you leave, why'd you lie?

Those jokes we had, and those times we spent, the sky is overcast,

Leave me alone, you dirty little bastard, why'd I?

Why'd I open my heart to a dumb, stupid dude in MST,

Dyed my hair a different hue, all for you, beat me up,

Black and blue, bruises are cool, such a fool,

Aren't you?

I love you, love everything that you'd do, call me stupid, dumb too, but know that we are not the same, not anymore.

--

Oh my, oh-oh my!

I think my head is-is fine, I'll die, so I can leave you, so you can leave me to die.

----

returning the shards of the sky to where they belong.

with me.

-----

the mind is a little complex,

an organ so divine, complementary with all our needs, but why is our mind, our subconscious so cruel, 

that's not cool, you know, the ways you push me down, try to visualize the singular poisons you've been sending my way,

for me to drink and go away, 

but why aren't we running, when the tornado nears, 

the people shout for us to run away, 

but we stay, head in the cloud and feet grounded still,

so what if the winds overturn us, so what is the poison kills us, what would happen if we-

what would happen if we left and never came back, would you come looking for me, catching me by my hair,

what if we left so far away, 

would the monsters that try to sing to my constant conscious destructive desires sing louder,

would the arrow that has been lodged in my brain loosen? would the pounding end if I just stopped?

---

Relapse

-

Crying, the tears of my loving, my hatred burns, I just wanted-

Just wanna be safe, leave me on this dirty, filthy floor, with the broken toilet,

Embarrassing myself on the cold stage,

Leave me with my broken heart as I pick up the shards, and they said-

"Never, never deserved, never deserved, love that was given yet never earned"

"You gave nothing but took his all, lose yourself, go and fall"

I want to take- wanna make-

Sharp, biting, burning, darn it!

I'm sick, ill in the mind, purge me, erase my face, wipe the blood, clot it 'fore they blot,

And we must say again...

"You tried, tried,"

"You died, waiting for love that was, extracted, redacted, turned your music up, made you lose your train of thought,"

I'm about to relapse, take me, give me another chance, leave this world, make him feel,

Razor blades were taken, I'm shaking so hard,

Hey, why'd you leave, why'd you lie?

Those jokes we had, and those times we spent, the sky is overcast,

Leave me alone, you dirty little bastard, why'd I?

Why'd I open my heart to a dumb, stupid dude in MST,

Dyed my hair a different hue, all for you, beat me up, black and blue, bruises are cool, such a fool,

Aren't you?

I love you, love everything that you'd do, call me stupid, dumb too, but know that we are not the same, not anymore.

Oh my, oh my!

I think my head is fine, I'll die, so I can leave you, so you can leave me to cry.

I think I'm falling, and when we hit the ground, I'll be dead the minute my body touches the floor,

Break my bones make me scream, hurt me so I cannot breathe, bruise me so my mind cannot,

Recognize the hurt I have not-

Brought upon myself today,

Snap my ulna, so we can't feel the mental strain 'fore I get caught,

The physical pain it murmurs softly,

"What ails your mind can be healed harmfully,"

So cloud my nerves so we cannot feel the mental pain my brain has brought.

---

I love you, I love you, but how your hatred burns, in my veins, in my soul

i try my absolute hardest to please you,

despite my tries, you always feel this way, 

despising my best and hating my worst,

i love you so, more than you'd ever know,

so god, please, pouring, spilling

blood, sweat and tears, 

love me, love me, love me!

i can't handle the hatred inside me,

so love me so i can love me as if i was made the way i was meant to be

shedding rivers of my blood, sweat and tears, I transform myself to meet your needs,

god, please, love me love me, love me,

purge my thoughts and erase my brain, i have feeling i can't contain,

I have a feeling that there is something wrong with me

LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME PLEASE

god, i tried, can't you see?

drowning in my emotions and tears, i hope you'll be happier here,

but didn't i try? every day, i told myself a lie;

"it's fine, you'll be fine, they love you anyways."

but that isn't true, is it?

i tried, so why, please, why are you so blind?

i bend and contort myself to your superior will,

idolizing you as an idol from the heavens,

i would try to mold reality into what you desire just to please you.

God, I've tried, don't you know why I bend myself to meet your needs, I'm twisting reality to please you,

please... please love me.

i beg of you- please

my heart is sobbing in the pain you've made me endure, yet why do i still love you?

i would burn for your affection and pleased face,

say "you did well, I'm proud, rest now"

but i must suffice with a grimace upon your face and wrecked one for me,

i would bleed for you, to send my life to you, please...

please... don't hate me... please...stop hating me...stop hurting me... i sew my heart together, and you tear it to shreds

---

I have more but here's what I've got in my notes rn