Bleehghgmgsjdmdhd

You ever suddenly become hyper-aware of your existence? It makes me really uncomfortable. Like it feels like I'm not really me. I'm just in this body that was given to me but it's not mine, I'm thinking these thoughts and feelings that were given to me but they're not mine, I'm experiencing the 5 senses but they're not mine, everything in life feels borrowed. It often feels like I wasn't supposed to be human. Like I'm something else entirely but got shoved in a human's casing. I don't really know how to be human most of the time and people have always picked up on that and they've made me feel so weird and other'd me so much that I get like genuine dysphoria at the thought that I'm human. I'm bad at socializing which is mainly what other people notice but my body is not very in tune with it's surroundings either. For one my interoception sucks which means I never know I'm hungry or thirsty til my blood sugar is bottoming out and I'm on the verge of passing out and I can't recognize or interpret my bodily sensations very well so I usually don't know somethings wrong unless it's painful. I also have poor depth perception/spatial awareness, poor sense of balance, I'm clumsy, super sensitive to pain, and I get nauseous if I try to make myself eat when I'm not hungry but I don't feel the hunger until I'm literally starving so I just have a dangerously low appetite. Also because adhd causes people to have little to no base level of dopamine, every task that you have to routinely do as a human is an extremely overbearing chore to me. I constantly feel overwhelmed that I didn't even ask to be here and now I have to maintain my life allll the time by showering, washing my hair, brushing my teeth, eating and drinking several times a day, going to school, getting a job, etc. All that stuff feels like an annoyance and a chore every time, especially drinking because I forget to do it frequently and then I get really bad headaches. It never felt like any of the things that come with being human came naturally to me. I often wish I was literally anything else simply because I want less cognitive capabilities so I won't be as sad all the time. Even if I was a different animal and had depression it wouldn't be as complex. I think that a lot of people who fantasize about not being human think about animals tho and I personally don't (tho it's still better than this). I like to look at the stars and wish I was up there just burning til I implode (lowkey what I do down here anyway lol). I also like more vague concepts like just being a mass of fog or an entire mysterious forest that you'd see on a dark academia Pinterest board or a spooky abandoned ruin or being the empty nothingness of space rather than the things in space. But I'd honestly take anything other than this.