the void , april 24 , 23

I have this void, you see.

I try to fill it with things.

Nicotine.

Music.

Dumb videos on youtube.

Cutting.

But it wont fill.

It’s a black hole.

No matter how hard I try,

Its still there.

Im not very eloquent.

I cant articulate the way I feel.

But I know theres something missing.

I could use flowery language to explain it to you,

But I think you already understand.

I cant always feel it.

Sometimes im fine.

Laughing in the car with my friends.

And then it creeps up on me.

Like a tiger.

The façade melts away

And all that’s left is

The void.

It sounds dumb

And it is.

But it makes me want to cry.

I feel so lonely.

I feel empty.

Im scarred.

I feel hopeless.

I don’t have a future.

Theres no point in me being here.

I don’t want to be here.

The void keeps getting bigger.

The remaining hope I had 

Is fading.

People care about me

Sure.

But 

But

But im so empty.

I don’t know what to do.

Ive tried to get help

But it seems like no one cares.

“no one” meaning my parents.

Ive told my mom.

Nothing but

“are you okay?”s

Told my dad.

“everyone your age thinks theres something wrong with them”

Are the scars on my arms and legs not enough for you?

You’ve never believed me.

Not when I was bleeding from my head.

Not until it was too late.

Then I went to the cops about ian.

You asked me,

“why didn’t you come to us?”

Because.

You never.

Fucking.

Believed me.

You cant do that.

You cant break my trust at every turn and then

Expect me to tell you things.

Fuck you.

Majorly

Fuck you

Dad.

n.c.