Wrap-up of my CCCamp'23 trip

a conversational invitee

They then said that they were in a mood for talking to some more people. After all the camp I was a bit too overwhelmed to be capable of further socializing, but I didn't want to be a bummer on that. I was also a bit frustrated from wanting to mention my feelings to them upfront as soon as possible and having my opportunities interrupted. We ended up being hosted on one of the table&benches small-railway carts that someone layed on as my companion engaged in a conversation, and subsequently there was also one other enby that approached us and got invited into a conversation.

Them being still very much able & set on seeking opportunities to help people out, they wandered off in the spur of a moment of an opportunity to do so, while I was left in a position of being asked for help with a tent with the last conversational invitee, with whom the topics weren't particularly appealing then because the conversation was the one lingered from earlier that I wasn't actively participating in.

With time I was getting more and more comfortable with them, however, confessed about some circumstantial stuff about having the crush, and got some pep talk on that as well as support. That was actually a result of me choosing to again be honest when they asked about joining us on the train trip to Berlin.

I ended up struggling with hunger around that time and they started asking if they could ask around for food; and I decided to let them be exploited if they were to only be happy about helping me out like that, since I really couldn't bother myself getting food for myself no matter what at that point of fatigue and just wanted to get in a train however. I only set a condition that they mention to anyone they ask that I refuse to fetch food from Angel Kitchen that I feel like I don't deserve.

crush taking off separately

My so-far default companion then turned out to be taking off to Berlin separately in a van with people they had been helping. I was to be left with the other, now-newfound, companion, which actually made things a bit easy for me, especially as I was becoming grateful&affectionate with them. Especially after a random conversation with someone, that they found lots of leftover food from, revealed that there are actually topics we can very much connect over and actually make them be amazing friends to me.

Needing to talk to the crush some more resulted in a decision to skip the last shuttle bus and put up a tent together — especially as I was getting touchy with the new companion.

In the conversation where I admitted my feelings to them, they expressed feeling unlovable because of the lifestyle they lead — and some of it was already mentioned in different contexts the previous night; and so I got into a relationship that will be probably one of the more complicated and requiring lots of stoicity from me — as they are currently pursuing exploratory living in the streets and are just trying it abroad in the capital of Germany; also apparently choosing to live on openwifi for some reason as part of that.

After my crush departed with the people with the van, us were left with the task of taking care to possibly distribute what we could of the food that was left. We brought it to the put-up-again tent for the night and then set off with it around in the morning — and with grabbing just several slices of bread and some hot water from Angel Kitchen we could have our meals complete. My new companion turned out quite persistent in their attempts to accomplish that and managed to give out quite some even when it was already starting to seem less and less likely to give out any more.

It has also had me have multiple breakdowns into crying from nostalgia as I was reminiscing into graphic details of our earlier interactions. With the strongest being after finding the main casing of the ballpoint pen of which small parts were earlier embedded in the apple.

I ended up able to almost expertly fast fold the Quechua 2-second 3-person tent that I used to ever see as tough to since going to Woodstock with my ex.

And I ended up deciding to spend a bit at the place of my new companion, especially as I was enjoying getting intimate with them. Sadly I was all the time having too much of the post-camp overwhelm to be able to engage in what I found the most amazing about them, the intellectual topics.

As we arrived at their place, I ended up overwhelmed and feeling somewhat sick and I was unable to meet with my crush, who also had trouble with their own errands. A combo test for Covid/RSV/flu came out all negative, but…

the sore throat was worrying me too much and I really wouldn't want to give an infection to my crush in the circumstances. Feeling generally overstimulated and suffering having sulkiness and grumpiness anyway, i resolved to leave after a day, and chose to cut my holiday leave short and work on Thursday and Friday.

I might be taking a day of leave of absence next Friday, would visit Berlin.

I will also be visiting my friends from the village sometime end of September.

There might be more visits to Berlin in the meantime too — I think it is feasible to do weekends alone even without the single-day leaves of absence.

Now with having where to stay and very much whom with, already having had plans long before camp to try frequenting Berlin in a way co-occurring with the certain someone, it might very well start happening.