xXx The Cliché Of It All xXx

x Ranting x

Truth is life is so fucking awkward. You wake up day in & day out to work your ass off or die trying just to have a single meal a day? To barely be able to afford rent & only Satan knows what else?? Fuck that shit. I wish I could say "Fuck that shit". (I'm speaking from my viewpoint of a disabled, transgender, awkward oddball of an American). Capitalism is ...... To put it simply. Batshit insane. The pain I, like many others, go through just to try to survive one day at a time??? It is disgusting. Society is a hellhole. People are douchebags & wouldn't give a single fuck about another. Everyone is judging everyone over for the dumbest & most trivial things instead of focusing on the big picture. Whether that be their own personal lives, their dead end jobs they have to work every single day at to afford to survive or even hey. Our gross ass government both big and small. Sucks. Everything & everyone sucks. 

We're all too focused on bullying & being disturbed by someone's identity, way of presenting or pronouns instead of being grossed out & disturbed over how & what the government treats us/does to us & our planet. (Might come back to rant some more about this topic after I sleep)

xX Returning To You Xx

Growing up, I was always the black sheep of my family. A handful of my relatives are also considered this, though be it for their religious ways, way of dressing or just straight up being a form of alternative. I on the other hand was considered a black sheep for the way I saw & treated the world around me. For, yes, my music tastes, way I dressed & spoke to others. Mostly due to the "intelligence" I had & how I carried myself. I've always been goth or "emo" at heart & showed it through the way I presented myself outwardly through the majority of my life. That stopped around the time High school happened due to being raised in a shitty, abusive household. Though I grew up in an abusive household my entire life, it got heavily worse when puberty kicked my ass down heavily in the chest area. I don't feel like getting too into the abuse that happened right now. I was very much my parents "plaything" growing up & it just kept getting worse each year. 

Now that I am an adult, it is a bit better since I've cut them out of my life. Though I am currently living in another shitty place, it's both different & similar to what I've already dealt with growing up. That aside, now that I'm older, I have realized the things that bring me joy & comfort in this desolate world. I'm turning around & going back to my roots. My albeit emo/goth roots yet different. Yes I am turning around & embracing my childish nonsense. Yes I am also embracing the fragile & damaged child self & holding them together. I'm becoming the old me but with a better grasp on myself, my surroundings, the world & with a head filled with more knowledge than that I could hope to of known in my short lifetime. I have lived past multiple tries of ending my life. I have lived & keep living past life marks I have made to myself or to another for their own peace of mind & heart. I never thought I'd live past ages 15, 16, 18, 20, 21 and 22. Yet here I am at 23. Living, learning, loving & bettering myself. So with the new me as I am, I am turning around & embracing my inner younger self in a way of healing, loving & letting go. So all the cringe & UwU or whatever you may see on my profile? That's for me. The me that lived through Hell. The me that fought to keep going for their sister & (ex) friends. The me who thought I was so damaged beyond repair that I'd never know what happiness would feel like. The me who thought I'd be dead & forgotten about by age 15. 

Here I stand & here I say: I love you like I did yesterday & I love you for surviving that hell for yourself & for others. I'm proud of us. We'll keep on living. We'll keep on growing but most importantly we're going to keep having fun. Live dangerously or safely. To have it all on our terms. We'll keep going so we may keep on living & reaching for that golden happiness we feel nowadays. 

Thank you xOxOxOx

Now I'm going the fuck to sleep. Goodnight creeps, wackos, weirdos & freaks. I love ya!! XD Stay hydrated & eat something. 

- Noah (3:25am August 24th, 2023 Thursday morning)