Late night rants

August 22, 2023

 Sometimes I feel like I'm falling behind in life. I don't mean to sound obnoxious, but I just can't help the stagnant feeling. I know what my goal is, and I know I'll get there when the time is right or whatever, but it can be frustrating at times to see people my age, and some even younger, be so close to the stage I want to be at. That's not to say that I'm not immensely proud or happy for them, of course I am. This line of work isn't exactly easy, in a physical sense or in a mental one, there genuinely are not enough words for me to use to express how much respect I have for those who can keep focused on their studies long enough to see it through to the end. Not everyone has that luxury. I sure don't, but I'm trying.

 And I get it, everyone's different, everyone's pace is different, and everything happens for a reason/in due time. I know the end result is truly going to be worth it, but it's so hard to be patient. It's so easy at times to forget what I'm working towards. It's so easy to get caught up in statistics of failure and in my own head about whether or not all this time I'm putting in and sacrificing with friends/relationships is even going to matter in the long run. 

 I know this feeling will pass; I know I'm just being a bit dramatic at the moment. In the end there really is nothing else that I see myself doing, this job is my dream and I'll do everything in my power to make it through. I hope it's something I can do for many, many years to come but I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes second guess my decisions or at least the way I went about some of them. It's not that I don't respect time with people, because believe me I do, I hold so much value to my connections with people but when it comes to this it's hard to try to get people to understand that I simply cannot be as flexible as I'd like to be without them interpereting it as me not seeing as a priority you know? I don't know, I just sometimes wish I could hit fast forward on all this.