(TW//SH)Reflecting on the Past.

If my memory is correct, this week is going to mark a full year of me being clean. I usually don't talk about this kind of stuff, especially online, but I feel like it's something worth celebrating a little. 

Since February up to August of 2022, I've struggled with sh and thoughts about ending it all. I didn't have that great of a home life, I felt isolated from other people and like I didn't belong, and I especially struggled with coming to terms with the human condition. I felt like I wasn't safe no matter where I went, and it was TIRING lemme tell ya! I mean I was constantly on guard thinking that somebody out of nowhere was going to try and hurt me, which definitely didn't help my already bad anxiety. But back on topic, I felt like the world was on my shoulders, yet at the same time felt like a failure and a mistake. It's kinda funny thinking about it considering that there are quite a lot of people who consider me the best thing to have ever happened, but that's what happens when you have depression. It blinds you to how much of an impact you have on other people, whether it be friends, family, or even strangers.

The day that my mom found out about my sh problem was probably the worst day of my life, but it wasn't because I didn't want her to know. In fact, I wanted to tell her myself. It was because I knew how badly I fucked up, and how much I regretted ever starting. Also I didn't tell her myself, which is another regret of mine. I had my therapist tell her because I was too scared to. In fact, I was in a whole other room while they talked. If I were asked what was the most painful sound I've ever heard, it would probably be the sound of my mom sobbing. All in all, the day was an absolute roller coaster, but it did open my eyes and make me finally see how loved and appreciated I actually am by the people around me. 

Nowadays I'm doing fairly well. I went from thinking that I wouldn't make it to 18 to happily planning out my whole future. I want to make up for all the time I lost because of my depression and anxiety, and hopefully this can get someone to do the same.

Have a good day y'all, and if that's not the case, it's fine. Not every day is going to be a hit. Just stay strong and hopefully the next day will be better.

Thanks for reading. <3