21.8.23 (＠＾◡＾)

this is going to be written slightly more bearably as i'm a little drained (as you will probably be able to tell) and therefore it's difficult to keep up this cutesy girl persona. not much has happened, so this entry will more outline my mental health and future plans.

we got a new cat! he's a russian blue called yuri, and he's very cute and small. additionally, i wanted to get my hair dyed blonde which may or may not happen and i'll update this in a bulletin tomorrow. when i was told it would be difficult due to the damage in my hair as it's been bleached before, i was really upset and it threw me into a small episode. i know it sounds stupid. maybe my impulsivity regarding my hair is a sign i shouldn't get it done right now. anyway, i'll paste a picture of yuri below. 

my mental health has sucked. last time i'd written here, i'd been in a major depressive episode. it's been getting worse, and i was in a terrible suicidal depressive episode for a while whilst i was gone. it's not really getting better, but i'm more manic and i'm struggling with symptoms of psychosis now. my mum thinks i have bipolar, but i thought it was BPD. i'm now starting to think it may be both - which is a lot on top of autism and possible ASPD (which may just be autistic symptoms, but i'm not really sure). i'm supposed to be getting help, but i don't have much faith in that. i don't really feel like sleeping because i feel better than tiredness. regardless, i'm pretty sure i'm not going to kill myself right now so there's less to worry about.

i was given money for the summer and it's my birthday soon. my mental health always sucks before my birthday, but i'm a little excited for the future now because i started thinking more about work (i'm turning 16!) and moving out of my not-so-adequate home situation. i would like to make a wishlist, but one of the things i want is a webcam and new mic so i can record videos for my blog - and for youtube in future. if i absolutely can't get my hair bleached, i'll spend the summer money on some weed and matching t-shirts for me and my best friend. also, i'm going to the park on thursday to have a picnic with some friends and get high and i'm going out every day until then. i don't think i'm going to sleep but it's equally exciting. after that, we're going to wander and i'm going to get high and it's hopefully going to be fun. i still need to study, though. 

additionally, i'll be posting my q&a along with my blog post on the 7th of september so don't worry about that. i will get to every question (＠＾◡＾)