Anxiety suxx, i need friends

Lemme preface this by saying any talk of unaliving here is just talk of how I felt in the past, and I have no plans or intention to do the thing, so leaf me alone and lemme rant, k thx.

So to me, it still feels like 2016ish. Maybe some of you can relate? In the years leading up to the pandemic (is it even really mentally over for many of us lol?), I had a DUI in 2019 due to alcoholism induced by my obsession with a toxic f*ckboi who shall remain nameless. Idk what propelled me into that situationship--desperation maybe?--but it lasted 4 long years and was awful enough that I couldn't keep food down (or rather, up? lol literally everything I ate for those few years went straight through me, I couldn't keep on weight and dropped to 112 lbs. at the worst of it for quite some time).

In many ways, I wish I'd offed myself as a teen, because imo I haven't done much of significance and haven't been happy for much of my life (aside from the books I've written and the albums I've made that few people listen to, what have I done?). I've loved people, but I've lost a lot of people to time, death, or my own extreme introversion that has cursed me to a lifetime of desired--but highly impractical--solitude. I'm such an isolationist and have been so internet addicted because it's easier than learning to communicate with spoken words that I've missed out on so many life experiences. It's kept me single, it's kept me living my life from behind a screen.

Meanwhile, many of my friends are getting married, having kids, having healthy relationships, and traveling the world. Doing all the things I've always wanted. I hate being gay and introverted sometimes, because how do you date anyone as a gay introvert?

I'm just left with my writings, poetry, and musical creations that almost no one cares about. Why do I even still remain alive? I think it's for other people at this point. Or maybe I'm just that stubborn and refuse to give up because I believe in the possibility that one day, I'll achieve true happiness.

Ever since around 2005 or so when all my friends left for college or moved away, I was left with no close relationships left, and as an extreme introvert, it's incredibly difficult for me to make quality friends and nurture close relationships. Whenever I did as a child, we ended up moving away. As an adult, friends end up leaving me sooner or later, and rejection at times stings worse for me, because it takes me longer to build a solid rapport with anyone. That's not to say I'm not used to being alone--I can survive for months or years like that. But eventually, I can't stand it.

After coming out as gay when I was younger, I've tended to gravitate more toward relationships, as they can often be obtained quicker (oddly enough--probably because gay guys are so visually and se*ually oriented). But I haven't dated in 13 years. I've gone from toxic situation to recovery to toxic situation to recovery again. My therapist tries to tell me how much "progress" I've made, but it doesn't feel like progress, it feels like just another turn of the wheel to me.

What really gets me is over the pandemic, I started talking to someone who finally seems like the right guy for me. I trust him 150% and I know a relationship with him would last years. He unfortunately lives states away, but we had a good thing going back in 2020 romantically and se*ually, until we ended up in toxic relationships and had to heal, and now it's like we still like each other, but he seems to be less into it than me, insisting "I have to get more stable", to which I ask is anyone stable anymore? We're all suffering collective PTSD.

He's also always busy with work or some chaos in his life or trying to get his YouTube channel to pop off (which is going to take longer than he probably thinks), so we talk less unless I'm producing a song for him, which gets stressful in itself because he has a bunch of demands and I miss when we could just talk for hours and send long messages, and now it's slowing to a trickle kind of. I just wish he'd try a little harder for me.

I have another close friend who I was really hoping stuff would happen with a few years ago, then he got a GF and I'm like well, guess I have nobody to get an apartment with now (I used to like him too, until he came to the realization he's not pansexual but straight). So that kinda sucked, though tbh wasn't unexpected.

And as an adult, it's harder to find and nurture close friendships in general, to say nothing of how extremely introverted I am (thanks premature birth + incubator + childhood trauma).

I just wish I wasn't gay because it's too complicated to find someone of quality, every gay man just wants to hookup or be ageist or racist or picky in some way, and I wish I wasn't introverted, because it's made me so damn lonely. I enjoy solitude so much until my body starts freaking out with anxiety and I'm like "oops, guess I have to force myself to be social again".

And because I don't know where things stand anymore with my guy who lives states away, and because I started having a crush on this dude at work (probably because I'm just getting back in the world now after 2 years of remote work and realize it's different than being attracted to someone through a computer screen), I've been anxious af because idk how to approach this situation.

I'll probably resign myself to not telling the guy at work I like him because 1. idk if he's even gay, and 2. he's 18 and I'm a number of years older and wtf business do i have being with someone like him at my age lol. And I'll probably just wait for my other guy to message me back and finally tell me where we stand, idk

I hate it all tho. I wish I didn't exist so I didn't have to worry about this. Or that I was ase*ual or somethin. Would be far less complicated to find stuff that made me happy and fulfilled.